I am woefully tired of this kind of stuff.

I wonder why it is people are so afraid of being honest.

The cowardice of others irks me to know end. I can't stand operating under false pretenses, so how is it other people make a habit of doing so?

I've mentioned before there is a girl I care about a lot. She is having marital issues. Her husband is emotionally abusive to her in the extreme, and HE left HER to go stay with his folks for a week. He issued an ultimatum that if she didn't change to give him what he needs when he returns, he's leaving her.

I understand that it sucks for her in the immediate sense, but seriously, this is a GOOD THING. But no. She's going to do what she always does and stay in a shitty relationship and make her own life miserable even though a person willing to do literally anything for her, a guy she also cares about, is there waiting in the wings. That person being me.

This sort of thing always happens to me. I cannot tell you the number of times I've been emotionally supportive, the best friend of some girl, just to have her decide to remove me out of her life and go with the guy that makes her miserable. I feel like the world is conspiring against me, as paranoid as that sounds.

I know I'm a great guy, damnit. I know it. I'm so tired of not feeling it because of crap like this. I know I can be the greatest boyfriend/husband/whatever to someone that's ever been. I know I am capable of deeper love and devotion to another person than anyone in the history of mankind. I am tired of feeling so unwanted because all the good people in my life choose to exile me from theirs.

It's doubly hard when that guy they chose over me doesn't really care about them. There's a situation that happened last semester where a guy I know chose partying and getting drunk over a childhood sweetheart friend of his that might I mention is ridiculously beautiful and extremely sweet. (She's a freakin' beauty pageant winner.) I lost all respect for this guy. He threw away such a powerful connection for booze. He threw away the kind of relationship that would bring me to my knees with tears and weep over, for alcohol. He's got women lining up to date him, and I can't even get a girl who's told me how much she cares about me and how much I mean to her to be with me for a hour.

I've taken several rage-induced slumbers since all this has gone down. I've thrown up at least 3 times. I feel so infinitely small and alone. It's hard to not focus on all the little things about everyone that's bothered me in the last couple months.

But I don't want to dwell on that. I always dwell on that, and I don't want to. I want to move on with my life, but I can't. Not right now. I need someone just to give me a chance. That's all. No more post-dumping-me-for-another-guy women telling me how awesome I am and how lucky some girl is going to be if she dates me. Because it's bullshit. It's so much bullshit to tell someone that, ladies. You have no idea how much it hurts to tell a guy who finished runner-up in the sweepstakes of your own heart he's got value, because it obviously wasn't enough value for you. You're gonna try and tell me some other girl is going to be lucky to have me? Then why the hell wasn't it you? How arrogant must you be to tell some other girl she's going to end up with the runner-up. That's disrespectful to other women, to think you're better than them, that you deserved a better man and they don't. It's plain cruel to me because I can't process that. I can't process the kind of nerve it takes to look someone in the eye, and offer comforting words, but only after having broken their heart.

So I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I'm going to change nothing. I'm going to remain the intensely loyal friend I am. I'm going to continue to tell people how I see it. I'm going to even keep waiting for this girl. That's how deeply I love. You can cast me aside a hundred times and even play the fucking field, and I am not going to begrudge her, or anyone else I might be intersted in. I'll be here waiting. I'll be here waiting to be the best thing that ever happened to you. I know I can do it. I know I can make someone else happy in the way I want for myself.

Someone give me a chance.