Don't talk anymore.

It's no secret I'm a manic depressive person. Sometimes, the weight of how low I feel is so crushing on my soul I contemplate suicide. I see my brains splattered on sidewalks near tall buildings, or my guts impaled on otherwise non-lethal objects, or a million other things just walking through the day. The only safe haven is under the covers in my room, because even though I've tried to suffocate myself with my own pillow before, it's pretty much impossible so I haven't tried it since that one time. I just shut myself in and panick the entire night long til my body gives up.

For the record, it's incredibly PHYSICALLY painful. It's not just mental. I woke up this morning and it felt like I my kidneys had shut down. I had fever-like symptoms despite not having a virus, and I know it's not an actual fever because I feel fine right now.

I tell you this so you guys understand what I go through. When I ask you if you wanna hang out and talk for even just a little bit, it's desperation. I attempt the best I can to hide how much I need that human contact, and pretend to play by the rules of society but at the end of the day, I'm not well when I'm turned down so often. How many of you who've actually spent time with me in any capacity have regretted it this year? These insecurities melt away as soon as someone says "Oh yeah that'd be fun to hang out!" Which rarely happens, but the very few times it does, I absolutely feel ecstatic.

A lot of people have given me a bunch of hollow advice the last few days. And to be honest, most of it has made me feel even worse about things. I'm going to go over a lot of the common "helpful advice" clichés and tell you why they don't work on me.

1) Everything happens for a reason.

If there's any one phrase you shouldn't utter around me, it's this one. Everything happens. That's the truth. And there are always consequences and results of any given thing that happens. This saying is based on the myth that current trials and tribulations somehow equate to future happiness through mysterious mystical means. I don't buy that for a moment, and never have. God's plan is not "This kid is going to be beside himself with grief and doubt to the point of wishing I'd let him die in his sleep, because it'll make him appreciate the good times more, so he'll eventually be happier than anyone else could be." That's not how it works, and I'm tired of people telling me that's how it works.

2) Keep up the faith/hope.

Why on earth would I want to show the attributes that lead to my very, very, very sour moods? A lot of people think I'm a pessimist, but that's because I'm more vocal about when I'm unhappy than when I'm happy. That is a problem I should work on, but we'll save that discussion for another time. I'm actually quite optimistic. I believe in other people. I believe if you challenge others with their shortcomings, the vast majority of them will rise up and turn weaknesses into strengths. There are so many people who probably think I hate them or think they are stupid, but I seriously love everyone. That's why when that optimism is never rewarded I have such hard crashes. I feel like a puppy waiting for the owner to come home from vacation a lot of the time. I wait at the door and keep thinking "Maybe today! We can have fun! I get to spend time with the people I love and adore!" But, it so rarely works out that way. The fact I spend so long waiting and hoping and praying and it never, ever works out the way I believe it should crushes me. I'm a pessimist because I'm an optimist most of the time.

3) Oh, that person just wasn't right for you / You deserve better friends.

Absolutely hurts to hear this crap. It's crap, and the people who say it are facetious little deviant monsters for suggesting it. How dare you insult my judgment of character. By telling me that other person isn't right for me, you're saying that about yourself. I see things in people that no one else sees. Like I said, I really believe in the human spirit and it's power for kindness. Ask me sometime what I really think about you, even if you're someone I rarely talk to. Please. I dare you. You'll be shocked to find out how much I care about you, I guarantee it. By telling me I deserve better friends, you're just setting me up to be disappointed in you for not rising up to be that friend yourself. Every time someone tells me I need better friends, they inevitably decline my invites to spend time together. Hypocrisy doesn't suit anyone.

And a bunch of people want me to talk. Hell no. I don't want to talk about my problems, are you kidding me? I'm sure it'll come up if we have a long enough conversation, but I'd rather just talk about something else entirely. Let's talk football. Let's talk video games. Let's talk about beautiful women. Let's talk movies. Let's talk about your friends. Let's talk about your dramas. Let me focus on ANYTHING other than myself, please. That's why I'm always so desperate to get out of my house, to get out of my own head, to hang out with other people. My problems totally go away if I can concentrate on yours. If I can feel like I matter to you, then it all melts away and I feel at peace.

At the end of the day, the reason I feel so miserable all the time is an extremely low sense of self worth. I believe I have value and I can make the lives of other people better, and the fact absolutely no one seems to want that is slowly killing me.

One final thing: Don't think that just because you read my statuses on facebook or even read my blog that you are a part of my life. If you're just networked friends with me, then you don't friggin' matter and I hope you do me a favor and remove me from your network. If you're a friend on facebook, that means I believe we are friends. That means if you ask a favor of me, I will do everything in reasonable commendations to help out. It means I expect you to occasionally respond if I text you. It means I want you in my life, in a real tangible way. If you tell me "Oh I would be really sad if you were gone. I always read what you have to say" or some other such total bullshit, I'm angry at you. You might feel connected to me, but I don't feel connected to you. You gotta talk to me. You can't passively be a part of my life. That's not the way things work.