Confessions of a know-it-all

My mouth tastes like feet right now. I really need to shut up in classroom situations.

But I just can't. It's my only social outlet. Yes, this post is another desperate cry for help and I know it'll fall on deaf ears (blind eyes?) once again.

I have this overwhelming need to try and entertain or exude confidence or impart knowledge. I can't turn those switches off. Believe me; I've tried. The only things I haven't done in the efforts to calm down my social neediness is drugs and alcohol.

I simply do not get the basic social needs a person requires in order to psychologically function in a healthy way. Humanity is social by it's very nature. We're brought into the world in a social construct of family no matter what, as it is physically impossible to not be birthed and still exist. All people have some inherent need for socialization.

And I simply don't get enough of it. Out of all the people in my life right now, there is only a single one who seeks me out to talk to me and it's via text messaging the majority of the time. I've felt like a societal outcast for so long, and the fact I simply can't find a job does not do me any favors in that area.

I have never, ever felt important. I have such crazy abandonment issues, it's unreal. I was always a disappointment to my father growing up because I never lived up to the things he wanted me to do. My only friend growing up turned to drugs around the age of 16 and we grew very apart. I was ostracized in grade school for being awkward and (I hate to admit it) somewhat of a bully simply because I didn't understand how to interact with other kids my age. Every woman I've ever cared about in a meaningful way never saw me as anything more than a friend and have all rushed into long term relationships or marriages with guys they hardly knew, and the vast majority of them are not happy in those relationships.

It doesn't matter how much I try and psyche myself up and tell myself that I am worth loving, because those facts all still remain. The evidence contradicts what I tell myself, even if I know that I am still a worthwhile person. I have missed class two days this week because when I got up and saw myself in the mirror after taking a shower, I was unable to convince myself someone will give a shit if they saw me that day.

I would kill to have someone, anyone, give me a call out of the blue just to say hello. It would mean the world to me to invite someone to go grab lunch or to grab a snack or something and have them actually accept it. I have a free meal down at Honolulu Grill right now as I filled out a stamp card, and I really want to take someone with me so I could be friendly and offer them that free meal, and I can't even find that.

This is what it's like to be alone. It's not because there is no one in my life, but because there are so many and I feel unwanted and invisible. I can't even apologize without making people more angry at me.

And so here I write. I have a bajillion big projects in need of doing, and I just can't lift a finger because right now my only companion is this blog no one reads called "Get Serious." I have had deeper and more meaningful conversations with a psychic blue alien chick with a tentacled head this week than with any real person.

SO IF YOU HAVE READ ALL THIS AND IT MOVED YOU TO CARE: I am even going to give you something we can do. Just give me a call or toss me an e-mail, and we'll go splits on a pizza from Domino's, and we'll just enjoy the pizza while watching TV. That'd be enough and I'd love you forever for it.