That's a terrifying realization to myself. I have made that comment as a casual aside a million times in the past in order to vent my own frustrations about my failures in the dating world, but maybe it really is true. Maybe it's not the frustrations of a good-hearted guy down on his luck as I view myself, but the honest truth.
I've spent the last hour or so reading articles dealing with women voicing opinions in the internet and the amount of crap they have to deal with. Specifically, Margaret Robertson's post I found through Kotaku and one she mentions immediately in that post by a guy named Mark Sorrell.
And I feel like crap right now. I'm not the type of guy that ever sends unsolicited messages on X-Box or any other gaming medium targetting women. Or anyone, really. In fact, the only messages I send on X-Box Live other than ones to friends have been to opponents in a game I particularly enjoyed playing against. Whether I won or lost, when the competition was good and friendly, I make it a point to send a "GG dude! Helluva game" message or something along those lines. I believe we need as a culture to make a more concentrated effort to display sportsmanship online as we would in person.
But I know I've said derogatory things before. Just the other day, I was playing Left 4 Dead 2 with one of my only real life friends and a few people he knows. One of them was a girl, and immediately the flirtatious side of me came out. It wasn't in a direct way (I've learned better) but I was monitoring what I said an awful lot more than I usually do and was making a conscious effort to be more witty and funny than I usually am. I believe I made a lot of jokes about how the only type of women I could get were the really fat, blimp-like ones.
It was funny in context, but now that I'm looking at it out of context, I'm mortified by the sexism I've displayed. It's subconscious. I have a really low opinion of myself normally, so the way I self-deprecate is by making fun of obese women, by implying they are low enough on the worthiness meter in society even I could get with them and it would be welcome on their parts.
I'm better than that. God I feel so awful right now, but I guess I need to take heart in that. Hold on to this self-anger and utilize it to be a better man going forward, right? That's all anyone can do when they've been faced with an uncomfortable truth about themselves. So what I'm doing, with my eyes open, is telling myself I am better than that so when the opportunity to actually put it on display arizes, I'll go "I am better than that" and hold myself to higher standards.
At the end of the day, this is all I've ever really asked of anyone. It might seem like I ask a lot of people, because I'm a very opinionated a-hole most the time. But I'm ultimately an extremely forgiving individual. The person I whined about in my last post? I can legitimately say I hate her right now and am glad she's out of my life. But would I forgive her in a heartbeat if she decided to actually mend this rift? Absolutely. I'd be wary for awhile, but I am an trusting enough person to say what the hell and go for it. I suppose the reason I am so hurt by her decision is she is not the same way.
I am getting off-topic: Let's talk about women on the internet for a second. Did you know women who express opinions for a living get hate mail based entirely upon their gender and nothing about the contents of their work? I had no idea. And some of the stories I've heard go as far as to say they've been mailed their own address (not publicly listed on any profile they were aware of owning online) along with vivid descriptions of horrific sexual fantasies these nutjobs want to carry out on said opinionated women. I'd spoken very, very briefly with my friend Jill about this, as she is a gamer into the Modern Warfare franchise specifically. According to her, she gets hate mail or sexual requests every round she speaks through the mic.
Considering how emotionally twisted I get from some of the things that occur to me in my life, I can't even imagine. If you're a male gamer, and you're reading this, I encourage you to examine your own behavior. Ignore what you perceive as the norm for a second. Let's throw away stupid ideals such as "It cannot be changed." We're going to Glen Beck this and ONLY talk about you. If my post gets even just one other person to examine their behavior toward other people, then this was the best 20 minutes (give or take) I've spent in the last month.
I suppose from an entirely selfish standpoint, I want it to be acceptable for "normal" girls to play video games. Let's face it; the perception is only nerdy girls or "fat, ugly" girls or lesbians or to sum it all up, "fringe personality" girls play video games when the truth is everyone in today's society plays them.
Anyway, I'll finish ranting about this topic later. Gotta run!
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