This is probably the most misogynistic thing you'll read all day, and I apologize about that. I could pretend I was politically correct, but y'all know me. I leave politicking to people with no souls.
So, anyone who knows me or followed my blog when I originally started it knows there's a girl in northern California I care about a lot. The relationship has been entirely long distance, and I recognize that's probably weird to a lot of people I care as much about this person as I do because of that fact. Thing is, I didn't expect her to question it.
That stings on a level I have a hard time understanding. Let me go and explain the entire situation as best I see it.
About two weeks before the new Call of Duty came out, she text me saying "I'm bored!" I told her "I'm just chilling playing games on Xbox with some friends of mine. Join the party and come chat with us?" So she did. And things went pretty well for awhile. She got along with my friends. That made me happy, and hey it was a way to actually talk to her rather than texting all the time.
Fast forward to the release of the game. We all played it quite a bit that first week, and I'm a highly competitive guy. When I struggle, I get whiney. I'm not proud of it and it's something I work on constantly. However, it's super difficult when everyone on your own friend's list is harping on you. Friendly ribbing is part of the game, and for the most part I took it well and it didn't really bother me. But when it did start to bother me, I got vocal about it. One night, I told them "Okay seriously guys, enough is enough. Could you please tone it down and maybe not rip on me quite so much for a bit?" After about 20 seconds of silence, I just said "Fuck it, I'm done for tonight."
Then in classic brainless hurt emotional wreck Casey fashion, I shot her a text saying something to the extent, "I expect that kind of behavior from them, because they are just video game friends and I don't really know them. Plus, they occasionally throw in 'Just kidding' or similar messages to lessen the blow when it starts to feel really personal. But you? I expect you to at least acknowledge when I ask a request." She didn't respond.
She also didn't respond for about 3 days when I tried to hash things out with her.
She also didn't respond on X-Box Live anymore. She started inviting the other guys to a party, but set it to invite only and no one ever threw me an invite. Yes, they were all playing the game. Yes, I wanted to get in and play with them.
This goes on for like a week, then I get word from the girlfriend of one of these guys (this particular guy and his girlfriend are real world friends of mine from Las Vegas) she overheard the Cali girl, and I quote, "talking shit about me." When I asked further, apparently she told these other guys she didn't know why I cared about her as much as I did because it's all been long distance, and that I was a stalker, and things to that extent.
Wow, right? Yeah, I'm a stalker. Before all this drama went down, we were both talking about what Christmas gifts we were going to send each other. I'm pretty sure she in fact started that whole conversation. There's absolutely no reason for me to care as much about her when I was there for her to talk to into the long wee hours of the night and morning when her marriage was failing. Another fact: she told me I was the first person she called when the official decision to split from her husband went down, even before her own mother whom she lives with.
There are so many little things like that I can point to in this 2 year relationship. I'm pretty sure at one time she cared about me. So I don't understand how anyone who ever cared about another could just shut down so completely when the other is trying to find out what the hell is going on. I didn't hear from her in a week, she wouldn't return texts or phone calls or messages on other online services, and then I start hearing things which seem to confirm my paranoia? I think anyone in that situation would be trying to find out what the hell was happening. If it was reality as it seemed in my head, the situation was extremely fucked up. She basically stole my group of X-Box friends (by the way, none of them really talk to me anymore and I still don't know why they suddenly shut down toward me too) and then said some really hurtful things which suggest she'd been feeling resentful of my attachment to her for quite some time.
Finally, after leaving a few voice mails, she text me back saying she wasn't going to talk to me anywhere because I believed some "mystery source rumors." She wouldn't actually talk to me, but would argue with me via text. I hate that. When things are shitty, I want to TALK. When you can hear the other person, it makes it so much less painful because when reading the types of things that come out in arguments, they always sound way harsher than the vocal inclinations would let a person understand.
During the course of the argument, I felt like she wasn't directly responding to any of the things I had to say, and was just turning everything around on me. I'm the badguy for wanting answers. I'm the badguy for not being able to read her body languages from a thousand miles away to just inherently understand she wanted to be left alone. She didn't understand there's a responsibility people have to say the very simple things like "I want to be left alone today, I am not feeling well" or whatever. Like I wouldn't understand that. I don't understand the silent treatment, especially in this case because I still don't see what I did wrong.
Well, up til the argument came to a head. I may have accused her of treating me like her ex-husband and another guy who liked her a lot that both started treating her really poorly, and that this type of treatment is what leads people to do shit like that.
Do I feel I am wrong in this assessment? No. Should I have said it? Probably not. But then again, she can point out my flaws whenever she wants and I'm just supposed to grin and bear it and laugh it off or solemnly swear to be better, but if I point out any of her flaws, goddamn it I'm on her shitlist along with her ex-husband, this other guy, a former "best friend" female friend of hers, and a few other people she likely will never talk to again and will retain anger and hatred toward for years to come.
It's been two weeks since this all went down, and it still stings and makes no sense so I try not to think about it as best I can.
AND IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY I AM LEVYING THIS SITUATION ON THE ENTIRE FEMALE POPULACE:
I've tried so hard the last two weeks to get out of my house to spend time with just a female friend. No agenda. Just want to spend time with the fairer sex. Shit, I'd spend time with anyone. I need out of my house. The only social interaction I've had recently circles around video games and football. Not that I mind either of those, but occasionally I need something deeper even if it's just delving into the problems of another person. I've sent a gajillion texts to gajillion people who normally respond when I try to say hello and absolutely nothing. People are going to blame it on it being near Finals, but really? You expect me to buy that? Go observe people in the wild for two friggin' minutes. Everyone checks their phones constantly, whether they are in conversation with friends or not, and usually clack out a reply. If any of them actually responded, I'd believe whatever they slung my way. Not out of ignorance, but because I believe in the naive ideal friends should trust their friends unless given a reason to distrust them.
And so I've had to sit with this guilt and anger and frustration of being alone, of losing one of my best friends I've ever had, of losing a girl I love, alone. I have had literally no outlet to even try and feel better about things. I haven't had a single day since where I haven't felt shitty about myself, because I've had no one to tell me otherwise. You can try and tell me all you want I should just buck up and tell myself I'm a good person and just role with it, but I'm too observant to believe those lies. Good, worthwhile people don't sit alone in their house for two weeks at a time when they are trying as hard as they can to get out and socialize. Good, worthwhile people have people who love them and seek them out to talk or do things with.
I'm a giving person, and no one wants anything I have to offer. This is the source of my endless low self-worth.
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