Positive thinking leads to a lot of negative thinking.

I enjoy my life right now, except for one major area but we'll get into that later. I'm enjoying school. I've finally picked up a creative hobby in playing my guitar. I am a pretty deep thinking person, because I know I am engaging to talk to. I'm also just about the most loyal person ever, never lie to anyone, and am very helpful to anyone who asks for it. 

That doesn't stem out of my pathological need to feel needed, either; I am just a helpful person because why not? If anything, my helpful nature stems from boredom. Someone needs me for 3 hours to paint their house or something, why the hell not? I'd just sit around and watch TV or pluck at my guitar or play video games. It's FUN to go out and do things to benefit other people, at least for me.

So why do I feel so alone all the time? I'm doing everything in my power to exude that confidence everyone always talks about, to put forward uplifting messages to other people around me. And none of the rewards that are supposed to come with it happen.

I still sit alone for 80% of my conscious day. I try to find solace in that solitude, but it's really difficult. Yeah, it's nice sometimes, but when it's all the time and has been all the time for the last couple years, it's really painful. Solitude by choice is nice; solitude despite every effort to make otherwise is not.

It's baffling. All the older people in my life tell me they think it's baffling, as well; that they don't understand why I'm so unpopular with my peers.

It's not lack of confidence. I know if anyone gave me a chance, I'd be their best friend or whatever. I'm a caring, giving person. It just sucks it's one of my best qualities and I never have a chance to showcase it. The reason I always search for input on how to better myself is more out of pure lack of understanding. In fact, I'd say my confidence leads to my apparent lack of confidence. You try spending several months holed up in your room invisible to the people you care about most, and tell me it makes any sense to you.

Maybe that's the problem. I have to quit asking for advice, because fuck you. I don't need advice. I'm awesome, goddamn it. Maybe everyone just gets mad at me for getting mad at them they are giving  me advice I already try to follow.