Writing helps me cope.

It's the truth. And the fact I've gone as long as I have without doing so should tell you how twisted up I feel.

It's kind of amazing to me how often I feel compelled to write at ungodly times of the morning. I guess I haven't because there's no one out there reading. It's not just the writing, but the need to tell stories. To explain. To explore.

But that's likely why I don't have anyone close in my life. My obsession with the world's vileness and my own impotence as a man over the sustained period of time that has been my adulthood. I don't know how to get over it. I don't know how to just push on and live. Giving up is the only thing I've ever been successful at.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I can't even seem to forge a narrative with what's going on in my mind.

I guess I'll just spit it out. I'm angry and bitter at all the women who used to be in my life. I don't want to be. It's not fair to them. It's just weakness on my part to still dwell on them, but I can't not do it. It's been, what? 2 years? Since Shannon told me off. I still think about her at least once a week. I miss the kinship. I miss someone I could talk to about anything and who would engage me back. I miss her. Like, her personality, the things about her that made her unique. The worst part is I know I fucked it all up and I don't know how I did it, I don't know what exactly I did. I just know it was my fault.

Hell, I even "miss" Sara, as much as a person can miss something that was a total fabrication. She was a lie. Everything about her. The purveyor of wanton destruction she sowed, and I don't care. I don't even care that everything she ever told me was a lie. If she somehow called me and said she wanted to grab a bite of eat, even if it was on my dollar, I'd happily oblige. So she never had a twin that died and whatever, I don't care. She's still a fucked up person, just in a totally different way now and as I've often said, I'm attracted to broken things.

I really don't care about myself anymore. I have given in to just numbness. I used to wonder how people ended up the way they do. Ever head to a gas station late at night and see the people who can't seem to walk straight and have buggy eyes and stringy hair? I always wondered how they get to that point, at 50, 60 years old.

And I know that'll be me. I'll have a heart attack at 40 and be glad about it because the way my life is turning out, I know I'll be some worthless grifter by then.

People always say no one loves someone who doesn't love himself. To those assholes, I tell you no one loves himself that receives no love. I don't stand a chance. I have years and years of miserable, abject failure and so each failure adds on to it. When people wonder why I flip out when I fail, it's because I've never fucking won at anything. Do you know what that feels like, to be 27 years old and to not be good at anything, to never rank? People who try to cheer me up always say I'm smart. Fuck you. I know I'm "smart," whatever the shit that even entails. All being intelligent has got me in life is the ability to see my life in a way that means there can't be any happiness.

When people get on my case when I'm angry at myself, that is just the most intolerable thing. I'm already beating myself up way worse than your dickshin face ever could. I've been beating myself up for 15 fucking years. And to have someone who isn't as "smart" as me give me some shitty advice on how to deal with it, I want to punch them in the jaw. How about when I lose it, you just tell me you care about me? I would probably go catatonic with shock if I ever heard "I love you" from someone that wasn't my family. Hell, even hearing it from my fucking family at this point is such a shock and a jolt of positive energy that's totally absent in my life, I don't know how to react.

I think I've done enough whining for today. Hopefully I can pull my head out of my asshole sometime soon here and get back to just attempting to live. Won't happen. But, you know, gotta try and end these things on a positive note. Right?

I wonder how much trouble I'll get in for this?

So, I have been hunting for a website for awhile that's not blocked while I'm at work in which I could share photos of my miniatures that I paint up.

Oh, if I haven't mentioned on here (seeing as I kind of didn't blog for like a year or more), I am way into miniatures and painting and table-top wargaming these days. To the point I haven't really played any video games with any sincerity since like November. Me, the guy in the family teased for his video gaming love since childhood, doesn't even really play them anymore.

ANYWAY:
Sharing photos. Problematic. I currently upload them all to Photobucket, which is blocked at work. Even if I had a facebook, I know that site is blocked. Also, twitter? Yeah, blocked.

It's supposed to be all social networking sites. Looks like they didn't notice Blogspot. I should feel bad because I'm actually typing this at work right now in between what I do, but I really don't because I trust myself enough to not do anything that'd get me and our company in trouble. I'm just not that kind of guy. Seriously, I just want a place I can show off photos to co-workers! I get why instagram and all that is blocked, and I imagine this place will be too if anyone chooses to go through my browser history, but man... Can you really blame a guy for wanting to show off the works of art he creates in his spare time to friends and co-workers?

So, depending on how guilty I feel about this (because I'll probably tell them they should add blogspot to the list of places to block and shoot myself in the foot for it!), I might co-opt this page as my new Miniatures blog. Or, most likely, this will remain my personal blog and I'll just go make a new one.

Probably the latter. I do plan on expanding it into a small business just for me to take commissions. That is the plan. Let's see if it ever comes together.

Haven't blogged in awhile.

Haven't written in awhile. Figured I should just for catharsis' sake.

I have a serious image problem, in that the image of who I am that I put out there is not how I really see myself. I know that others kind of see me as this giant dopey insensitive jerk who's angry and sad all the time, and I mean, I am angry and sad a lot of the time and I am also kind of insensitive. It just sucks those are the things about me that define who I am to others, because those traits of myself are not how I define myself at all.

Everyone can be rude at times. Some maybe more than others, but we all have that capability. I wonder if part of why people perceive me as rude is because of other personality flaws of mine. Like, it's easier to get offended by someone when you believe that person doesn't care about you or anyone else, because that person puts out into the world how much everything sucks all the time.

I am definitely guilty of that last part, and I wonder if because I have done that for so long, if it hasn't affected deeply the personal relationships I've wanted to develop.

I've been actively trying over the last couple weeks to force myself to think good things about myself, and to try to put those good traits that I know I have out to the world. I really am trying the hokey advice of self-affirmation. Damned if it doesn't actually make a difference!

I've been so focused on my flaws for so long, I've always told myself "You can't do that." Or "You're not good enough for that."

Or worse, I often thought something isn't worth the time and effort.

And here again I noticed I'm doing it again. I've opened up this post with a flaw, and am talking about how I'm correcting it. So I'll just get to the point and skip all the psycho-babble.

I am a great person. I am a kind person. I want everyone to be happy, and not just the people I know but everyone. Even people who've hurt me. I hope somewhere out there in the world, even people who've blatantly disrespected every aspect of my person are happy. I love giving hugs. I try my best to make sure the best possible outcome happens in a situation, and take strides to ensure that I don't take advantage of people. I am funny and make people laugh. If someone asked me for a favor and I was able to accomplish it, then I'm gonna do it because I mean why not? It really is as simple to me as that.

If you're reading this, I don't care who you are, I love you. I know that sounds hokey. I know it does, believe me. It's something I wouldn't believe nor really care to think about if I read it somewhere, but it's true. Try me sometime. Please, try to get to know me or allow me to get to know you. I want to enrich your life, whoever you are. And sure, I am human and will probably mess up a few times. I can't promise I won't mess up, but I can promise I will try five times as hard to fix the mistake, and try ten times as hard to make it up to you.

How tiny plastic space men saved me

I'm going to begin this tale with something I've been rather open about. I tried to kill myself in late September of last year. I put a plastic grocery bag around my head and attempted to suffocate myself. I didn't bound my hands, so once I really couldn't breathe anymore, the fight of flight response kicked in and I tore the bag off my head. I didn't leave my room for about two weeks afterwards because now, not only did all my social anxiety issues that lead me to want to die to begin with remain, but there was an intense shame I felt for trying to take my own life.

I've never been a terribly "happy" person. I believe happiness is fleeting because for me, true happiness comes in sharing life with people I care about, and the ultimate type of "sharing life with someone I care about" has yet to really happen because my failures with the opposite sex are many and frequent.

A lot of my interests have faded away over the years because of it. Some things I really loved died along with failed relationships. I used to adore reading and writing, and then the only actual girlfriend I ever had broke up with me and took my enthusiasm for authorship along with her. That was... 2007? Feels like ages ago but in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't.

I was involved in a long distance relationship for about two years that ended November of 2011. One of the main ways we had of spending time doing stuff together was video games. I've always been a "serious" gamer type, and even then once that relationship ended, I lost a lot of my enthusiasm for that, too. It's a problem and one I need to get over, I know, that part of me leaves with the people I choose to care about but I believe the best way to be is to give a piece of your heart to everyone who enters your life.

Back to the attempted suicide: The biggest reason I wanted to end it was nothing made me happy for a long time so I just kind of quit doing anything. I felt like nothing mattered because I was just going to fail at everything forever. I quit going to classes because classes drove me crazy. I still have a hard time associating with large groups of people. I get the reputation as a know-it-all in most classes because the way I learn is by participating in discussion and asking lots of (hopefully) pertinent questions, so I talk lots and people take my love of debate as me being a dick. My video game groups started falling apart because of my competitiveness. I admit I really am a dick when I feel like I'm being left out to dry by my teammates which, when you play games like Dota 2, happens a lot. People don't enjoy playing with me and after She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named told me I'd never amount to anything and was the most worthless sack of shit she ever knew, it killed my desire to play games even more. Even single player games just didn't matter anymore.

Then, October, a hobby shop opened up near my house. While looking through their stuff, I noticed a big black box that said "WARHAMMER 40,000: DARK VENGEANCE." I'd actually thought about getting into the hobby the year before and had seen the old starter box with the Ultramarines and Orks, so I knew enough to know this was a new thing. I'd always been interested in the universe and have had many internet friends mention they were into it over the years but would never really talk about it much because I didn't also play. All I knew was it it's expensive, time consuming, and pretty frustrating to actually play just like any dice game tends to be.

With all the shit piling up at the time, I just decided why the hell not, bought the box, and started looking into guides on how to paint. I didn't actually put them together for about 3 weeks, and didn't start painting til late November.

This was my first squad. I think I did alright.

Something clicked. I realized I really enjoyed doing this. I've always been fairly creative, but never had an outlet for it. Throughout my life, I kept trying things here and there but it never stuck. Drawing, inking, digital photography, digital editing, whatever. I'd get bored and quit after a week or so. This, though... this was different. For the first time in my life, I did something I could show off. Yeah okay it's nerdy and dorky and odd to the majority of the public, but still even people that think I'm terrible at life couldn't say I was terrible at this one thing. I knew it was good. I found something I was alright at that I knew I could be great at, and it just so happened to coincide with a fun game.

I kept painting, more and more. Couldn't stop that first week, in fact. The itch hit hard and it's all I thought about. I kept loading up my painting arsenal to include highlight colors, shades, extra colors for smaller details. I kept picking up new brushes. I kept pushing myself to make each model better than the last. And no one could tell me it was stupid. That I was a failure. That I wasn't good enough. It was something just for me, for maybe the first time ever. There was no social pressure on me. I've made some friends since due to this game, but even if they faded away it wouldn't matter to me because I do this for me.

Fast forward through the holidays: I got really good. Here's guys I got done while at home over the holidays.

 

Once I returned to my college house and took my guys down to the game shop (which I at when I took the picture of the fully assembled and painted tactical squad... Wish that scenery was mine), I started getting "Woah, man, that's awesome!" responses from people who've been playing since 1996. It was then I knew I had some real talent. I don't care how niche it is: I was actually good at something and don't have to fish for compliments to receive them. Maybe the people who read this won't understand how monumental that is, but it really is a big deal. I had something I could take pride in. I knew for maybe the first time in my whole life I could make something beautiful (in the detail sense!)

The moral of the story is sometimes, you just have to say "Fuck it" when the world keeps kicking you. Go find something that makes you happy. Go find something to be good at. Go find something that even if people tease you for it, you know you did great.

My life still is far from where I want it to be. This didn't solve my financial issues (it's added to them, let's be honest). It sure as hell isn't going to solve my women issues. But it did help with my self esteem, which has been in the gutter since junior high. Even right now I'm almost in tears writing this up because I realize I don't hate myself anymore. It's a pretty fucking awesome feeling.

This is my most recent figurine, something I finished painting maybe 4 or 5 hours ago.

He's my best work, and you know what? I know I'm going to keep getting better.

If there's anything I want people to get out of this, it's just to keep trying. Go out and just FIND something. Go out and do. Maybe I'm not a terribly religious person anymore but if there's anyone one thing the Bible got right, it's that you can't be happy if you just remain idle.

Been awhile. Howdy.

Haven't posted in a long time. Lots of reasons for that. Biggest has to be a girl who entered my life shortly after my last blog entry here. I made a private blog not long after then just to try and figure out what was going on in my own head, and after she continually lied and deceived me, I just up and deleted it. Never got around to re-blogging again.

Only reason I'm drawn back here again today is a post of mine about a year and a half ago describing the situation that lead to my disillusionment with another student here on campus, and that guy (who has since graduated and moved up North) just now responded to it with the typical internet tough-guy "Cool story" mantra.

I wonder what would ever drive someone to comment on something a year and a half old on the internet, except maybe like a YouTube video describing how-to something. I've moved on. I assumed this guy moved on. I know for a fact he read it back when it was first published by way of his ex-girlfriend linking him the article.

Grudges are such a waste of time. This is the second time someone in my past whom I hadn't spoken to in a really long time decided to reply to something I wrote a million years ago just to remind me they don't like me, or whatever. About two months ago, a guy that used to play League of Legends with me and my circle of internet friends replied to a review I wrote for the game Terraria, on Steam. This guy I never had a problem with as far as I knew, but he wrote some pretty passive-aggressive stuff about me because my Terraria review is "offensive."

My review in it's entirety:
"To be honest, I don't get the appeal. I thought I'd like it at first, but after a half hour of have no aim and drive to accomplish anything, I haven't booted it back up since. Not to mention the fact it relies on the archaic direct IP address connection method, meaning good luck doing the multiplayer if you're as network illeterate as I am.

I am fairly certain it's an autism simulator, appealing to people who want to see how many colorful shaped blocks they can line up in a row."

Is associating a game where the goal is to build things in obsessive OCD functionality to autism offensive? Slightly. It's also pretty funny if you share my sense of humor.

He attacked me for being "highly negative" in multiplayer settings, so why should I even want multiplayer functionality? I hadn't spoken to this guy in like two years, maybe more. He disappeared off the internet for quite some time and never rejoined our little clique again at least through the VOIP server. As far as I knew, we were kosher. Guess not. Guess he harbored some deep resentment toward me.

I get still disliking someone from your past, because it's only human to still not like a person when the last encounter was hostile. What I don't get is waiting more than a year to do anything about it, especially when otherwise there would be no contact again. Unless I'm given reason to like today, I'm never going to think about either of these guys again. I guess if I'm still sticking in their craw years removed from ever having spoken with them, I did something very right.