I've never been a terribly "happy" person. I believe happiness is fleeting because for me, true happiness comes in sharing life with people I care about, and the ultimate type of "sharing life with someone I care about" has yet to really happen because my failures with the opposite sex are many and frequent.
A lot of my interests have faded away over the years because of it. Some things I really loved died along with failed relationships. I used to adore reading and writing, and then the only actual girlfriend I ever had broke up with me and took my enthusiasm for authorship along with her. That was... 2007? Feels like ages ago but in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't.
I was involved in a long distance relationship for about two years that ended November of 2011. One of the main ways we had of spending time doing stuff together was video games. I've always been a "serious" gamer type, and even then once that relationship ended, I lost a lot of my enthusiasm for that, too. It's a problem and one I need to get over, I know, that part of me leaves with the people I choose to care about but I believe the best way to be is to give a piece of your heart to everyone who enters your life.
Back to the attempted suicide: The biggest reason I wanted to end it was nothing made me happy for a long time so I just kind of quit doing anything. I felt like nothing mattered because I was just going to fail at everything forever. I quit going to classes because classes drove me crazy. I still have a hard time associating with large groups of people. I get the reputation as a know-it-all in most classes because the way I learn is by participating in discussion and asking lots of (hopefully) pertinent questions, so I talk lots and people take my love of debate as me being a dick. My video game groups started falling apart because of my competitiveness. I admit I really am a dick when I feel like I'm being left out to dry by my teammates which, when you play games like Dota 2, happens a lot. People don't enjoy playing with me and after She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named told me I'd never amount to anything and was the most worthless sack of shit she ever knew, it killed my desire to play games even more. Even single player games just didn't matter anymore.
Then, October, a hobby shop opened up near my house. While looking through their stuff, I noticed a big black box that said "WARHAMMER 40,000: DARK VENGEANCE." I'd actually thought about getting into the hobby the year before and had seen the old starter box with the Ultramarines and Orks, so I knew enough to know this was a new thing. I'd always been interested in the universe and have had many internet friends mention they were into it over the years but would never really talk about it much because I didn't also play. All I knew was it it's expensive, time consuming, and pretty frustrating to actually play just like any dice game tends to be.
With all the shit piling up at the time, I just decided why the hell not, bought the box, and started looking into guides on how to paint. I didn't actually put them together for about 3 weeks, and didn't start painting til late November.
This was my first squad. I think I did alright.
Something clicked. I realized I really enjoyed doing this. I've always been fairly creative, but never had an outlet for it. Throughout my life, I kept trying things here and there but it never stuck. Drawing, inking, digital photography, digital editing, whatever. I'd get bored and quit after a week or so. This, though... this was different. For the first time in my life, I did something I could show off. Yeah okay it's nerdy and dorky and odd to the majority of the public, but still even people that think I'm terrible at life couldn't say I was terrible at this one thing. I knew it was good. I found something I was alright at that I knew I could be great at, and it just so happened to coincide with a fun game.
I kept painting, more and more. Couldn't stop that first week, in fact. The itch hit hard and it's all I thought about. I kept loading up my painting arsenal to include highlight colors, shades, extra colors for smaller details. I kept picking up new brushes. I kept pushing myself to make each model better than the last. And no one could tell me it was stupid. That I was a failure. That I wasn't good enough. It was something just for me, for maybe the first time ever. There was no social pressure on me. I've made some friends since due to this game, but even if they faded away it wouldn't matter to me because I do this for me.
Fast forward through the holidays: I got really good. Here's guys I got done while at home over the holidays.
Once I returned to my college house and took my guys down to the game shop (which I at when I took the picture of the fully assembled and painted tactical squad... Wish that scenery was mine), I started getting "Woah, man, that's awesome!" responses from people who've been playing since 1996. It was then I knew I had some real talent. I don't care how niche it is: I was actually good at something and don't have to fish for compliments to receive them. Maybe the people who read this won't understand how monumental that is, but it really is a big deal. I had something I could take pride in. I knew for maybe the first time in my whole life I could make something beautiful (in the detail sense!)
The moral of the story is sometimes, you just have to say "Fuck it" when the world keeps kicking you. Go find something that makes you happy. Go find something to be good at. Go find something that even if people tease you for it, you know you did great.
My life still is far from where I want it to be. This didn't solve my financial issues (it's added to them, let's be honest). It sure as hell isn't going to solve my women issues. But it did help with my self esteem, which has been in the gutter since junior high. Even right now I'm almost in tears writing this up because I realize I don't hate myself anymore. It's a pretty fucking awesome feeling.
This is my most recent figurine, something I finished painting maybe 4 or 5 hours ago.
He's my best work, and you know what? I know I'm going to keep getting better.
If there's anything I want people to get out of this, it's just to keep trying. Go out and just FIND something. Go out and do. Maybe I'm not a terribly religious person anymore but if there's anyone one thing the Bible got right, it's that you can't be happy if you just remain idle.
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