It's the truth. And the fact I've gone as long as I have without doing so should tell you how twisted up I feel.
It's kind of amazing to me how often I feel compelled to write at ungodly times of the morning. I guess I haven't because there's no one out there reading. It's not just the writing, but the need to tell stories. To explain. To explore.
But that's likely why I don't have anyone close in my life. My obsession with the world's vileness and my own impotence as a man over the sustained period of time that has been my adulthood. I don't know how to get over it. I don't know how to just push on and live. Giving up is the only thing I've ever been successful at.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I can't even seem to forge a narrative with what's going on in my mind.
I guess I'll just spit it out. I'm angry and bitter at all the women who used to be in my life. I don't want to be. It's not fair to them. It's just weakness on my part to still dwell on them, but I can't not do it. It's been, what? 2 years? Since Shannon told me off. I still think about her at least once a week. I miss the kinship. I miss someone I could talk to about anything and who would engage me back. I miss her. Like, her personality, the things about her that made her unique. The worst part is I know I fucked it all up and I don't know how I did it, I don't know what exactly I did. I just know it was my fault.
Hell, I even "miss" Sara, as much as a person can miss something that was a total fabrication. She was a lie. Everything about her. The purveyor of wanton destruction she sowed, and I don't care. I don't even care that everything she ever told me was a lie. If she somehow called me and said she wanted to grab a bite of eat, even if it was on my dollar, I'd happily oblige. So she never had a twin that died and whatever, I don't care. She's still a fucked up person, just in a totally different way now and as I've often said, I'm attracted to broken things.
I really don't care about myself anymore. I have given in to just numbness. I used to wonder how people ended up the way they do. Ever head to a gas station late at night and see the people who can't seem to walk straight and have buggy eyes and stringy hair? I always wondered how they get to that point, at 50, 60 years old.
And I know that'll be me. I'll have a heart attack at 40 and be glad about it because the way my life is turning out, I know I'll be some worthless grifter by then.
People always say no one loves someone who doesn't love himself. To those assholes, I tell you no one loves himself that receives no love. I don't stand a chance. I have years and years of miserable, abject failure and so each failure adds on to it. When people wonder why I flip out when I fail, it's because I've never fucking won at anything. Do you know what that feels like, to be 27 years old and to not be good at anything, to never rank? People who try to cheer me up always say I'm smart. Fuck you. I know I'm "smart," whatever the shit that even entails. All being intelligent has got me in life is the ability to see my life in a way that means there can't be any happiness.
When people get on my case when I'm angry at myself, that is just the most intolerable thing. I'm already beating myself up way worse than your dickshin face ever could. I've been beating myself up for 15 fucking years. And to have someone who isn't as "smart" as me give me some shitty advice on how to deal with it, I want to punch them in the jaw. How about when I lose it, you just tell me you care about me? I would probably go catatonic with shock if I ever heard "I love you" from someone that wasn't my family. Hell, even hearing it from my fucking family at this point is such a shock and a jolt of positive energy that's totally absent in my life, I don't know how to react.
I think I've done enough whining for today. Hopefully I can pull my head out of my asshole sometime soon here and get back to just attempting to live. Won't happen. But, you know, gotta try and end these things on a positive note. Right?
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
I wonder how much trouble I'll get in for this?
So, I have been hunting for a website for awhile that's not blocked while I'm at work in which I could share photos of my miniatures that I paint up.
Oh, if I haven't mentioned on here (seeing as I kind of didn't blog for like a year or more), I am way into miniatures and painting and table-top wargaming these days. To the point I haven't really played any video games with any sincerity since like November. Me, the guy in the family teased for his video gaming love since childhood, doesn't even really play them anymore.
ANYWAY:
Sharing photos. Problematic. I currently upload them all to Photobucket, which is blocked at work. Even if I had a facebook, I know that site is blocked. Also, twitter? Yeah, blocked.
It's supposed to be all social networking sites. Looks like they didn't notice Blogspot. I should feel bad because I'm actually typing this at work right now in between what I do, but I really don't because I trust myself enough to not do anything that'd get me and our company in trouble. I'm just not that kind of guy. Seriously, I just want a place I can show off photos to co-workers! I get why instagram and all that is blocked, and I imagine this place will be too if anyone chooses to go through my browser history, but man... Can you really blame a guy for wanting to show off the works of art he creates in his spare time to friends and co-workers?
So, depending on how guilty I feel about this (because I'll probably tell them they should add blogspot to the list of places to block and shoot myself in the foot for it!), I might co-opt this page as my new Miniatures blog. Or, most likely, this will remain my personal blog and I'll just go make a new one.
Probably the latter. I do plan on expanding it into a small business just for me to take commissions. That is the plan. Let's see if it ever comes together.
Oh, if I haven't mentioned on here (seeing as I kind of didn't blog for like a year or more), I am way into miniatures and painting and table-top wargaming these days. To the point I haven't really played any video games with any sincerity since like November. Me, the guy in the family teased for his video gaming love since childhood, doesn't even really play them anymore.
ANYWAY:
Sharing photos. Problematic. I currently upload them all to Photobucket, which is blocked at work. Even if I had a facebook, I know that site is blocked. Also, twitter? Yeah, blocked.
It's supposed to be all social networking sites. Looks like they didn't notice Blogspot. I should feel bad because I'm actually typing this at work right now in between what I do, but I really don't because I trust myself enough to not do anything that'd get me and our company in trouble. I'm just not that kind of guy. Seriously, I just want a place I can show off photos to co-workers! I get why instagram and all that is blocked, and I imagine this place will be too if anyone chooses to go through my browser history, but man... Can you really blame a guy for wanting to show off the works of art he creates in his spare time to friends and co-workers?
So, depending on how guilty I feel about this (because I'll probably tell them they should add blogspot to the list of places to block and shoot myself in the foot for it!), I might co-opt this page as my new Miniatures blog. Or, most likely, this will remain my personal blog and I'll just go make a new one.
Probably the latter. I do plan on expanding it into a small business just for me to take commissions. That is the plan. Let's see if it ever comes together.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Haven't blogged in awhile.
Haven't written in awhile. Figured I should just for catharsis' sake.
I have a serious image problem, in that the image of who I am that I put out there is not how I really see myself. I know that others kind of see me as this giant dopey insensitive jerk who's angry and sad all the time, and I mean, I am angry and sad a lot of the time and I am also kind of insensitive. It just sucks those are the things about me that define who I am to others, because those traits of myself are not how I define myself at all.
Everyone can be rude at times. Some maybe more than others, but we all have that capability. I wonder if part of why people perceive me as rude is because of other personality flaws of mine. Like, it's easier to get offended by someone when you believe that person doesn't care about you or anyone else, because that person puts out into the world how much everything sucks all the time.
I am definitely guilty of that last part, and I wonder if because I have done that for so long, if it hasn't affected deeply the personal relationships I've wanted to develop.
I've been actively trying over the last couple weeks to force myself to think good things about myself, and to try to put those good traits that I know I have out to the world. I really am trying the hokey advice of self-affirmation. Damned if it doesn't actually make a difference!
I've been so focused on my flaws for so long, I've always told myself "You can't do that." Or "You're not good enough for that."
Or worse, I often thought something isn't worth the time and effort.
And here again I noticed I'm doing it again. I've opened up this post with a flaw, and am talking about how I'm correcting it. So I'll just get to the point and skip all the psycho-babble.
I am a great person. I am a kind person. I want everyone to be happy, and not just the people I know but everyone. Even people who've hurt me. I hope somewhere out there in the world, even people who've blatantly disrespected every aspect of my person are happy. I love giving hugs. I try my best to make sure the best possible outcome happens in a situation, and take strides to ensure that I don't take advantage of people. I am funny and make people laugh. If someone asked me for a favor and I was able to accomplish it, then I'm gonna do it because I mean why not? It really is as simple to me as that.
If you're reading this, I don't care who you are, I love you. I know that sounds hokey. I know it does, believe me. It's something I wouldn't believe nor really care to think about if I read it somewhere, but it's true. Try me sometime. Please, try to get to know me or allow me to get to know you. I want to enrich your life, whoever you are. And sure, I am human and will probably mess up a few times. I can't promise I won't mess up, but I can promise I will try five times as hard to fix the mistake, and try ten times as hard to make it up to you.
I have a serious image problem, in that the image of who I am that I put out there is not how I really see myself. I know that others kind of see me as this giant dopey insensitive jerk who's angry and sad all the time, and I mean, I am angry and sad a lot of the time and I am also kind of insensitive. It just sucks those are the things about me that define who I am to others, because those traits of myself are not how I define myself at all.
Everyone can be rude at times. Some maybe more than others, but we all have that capability. I wonder if part of why people perceive me as rude is because of other personality flaws of mine. Like, it's easier to get offended by someone when you believe that person doesn't care about you or anyone else, because that person puts out into the world how much everything sucks all the time.
I am definitely guilty of that last part, and I wonder if because I have done that for so long, if it hasn't affected deeply the personal relationships I've wanted to develop.
I've been actively trying over the last couple weeks to force myself to think good things about myself, and to try to put those good traits that I know I have out to the world. I really am trying the hokey advice of self-affirmation. Damned if it doesn't actually make a difference!
I've been so focused on my flaws for so long, I've always told myself "You can't do that." Or "You're not good enough for that."
Or worse, I often thought something isn't worth the time and effort.
And here again I noticed I'm doing it again. I've opened up this post with a flaw, and am talking about how I'm correcting it. So I'll just get to the point and skip all the psycho-babble.
I am a great person. I am a kind person. I want everyone to be happy, and not just the people I know but everyone. Even people who've hurt me. I hope somewhere out there in the world, even people who've blatantly disrespected every aspect of my person are happy. I love giving hugs. I try my best to make sure the best possible outcome happens in a situation, and take strides to ensure that I don't take advantage of people. I am funny and make people laugh. If someone asked me for a favor and I was able to accomplish it, then I'm gonna do it because I mean why not? It really is as simple to me as that.
If you're reading this, I don't care who you are, I love you. I know that sounds hokey. I know it does, believe me. It's something I wouldn't believe nor really care to think about if I read it somewhere, but it's true. Try me sometime. Please, try to get to know me or allow me to get to know you. I want to enrich your life, whoever you are. And sure, I am human and will probably mess up a few times. I can't promise I won't mess up, but I can promise I will try five times as hard to fix the mistake, and try ten times as hard to make it up to you.
Friday, January 25, 2013
How tiny plastic space men saved me
I'm going to begin this tale with something I've been rather open about. I tried to kill myself in late September of last year. I put a plastic grocery bag around my head and attempted to suffocate myself. I didn't bound my hands, so once I really couldn't breathe anymore, the fight of flight response kicked in and I tore the bag off my head. I didn't leave my room for about two weeks afterwards because now, not only did all my social anxiety issues that lead me to want to die to begin with remain, but there was an intense shame I felt for trying to take my own life.
I've never been a terribly "happy" person. I believe happiness is fleeting because for me, true happiness comes in sharing life with people I care about, and the ultimate type of "sharing life with someone I care about" has yet to really happen because my failures with the opposite sex are many and frequent.
A lot of my interests have faded away over the years because of it. Some things I really loved died along with failed relationships. I used to adore reading and writing, and then the only actual girlfriend I ever had broke up with me and took my enthusiasm for authorship along with her. That was... 2007? Feels like ages ago but in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't.
I was involved in a long distance relationship for about two years that ended November of 2011. One of the main ways we had of spending time doing stuff together was video games. I've always been a "serious" gamer type, and even then once that relationship ended, I lost a lot of my enthusiasm for that, too. It's a problem and one I need to get over, I know, that part of me leaves with the people I choose to care about but I believe the best way to be is to give a piece of your heart to everyone who enters your life.
Back to the attempted suicide: The biggest reason I wanted to end it was nothing made me happy for a long time so I just kind of quit doing anything. I felt like nothing mattered because I was just going to fail at everything forever. I quit going to classes because classes drove me crazy. I still have a hard time associating with large groups of people. I get the reputation as a know-it-all in most classes because the way I learn is by participating in discussion and asking lots of (hopefully) pertinent questions, so I talk lots and people take my love of debate as me being a dick. My video game groups started falling apart because of my competitiveness. I admit I really am a dick when I feel like I'm being left out to dry by my teammates which, when you play games like Dota 2, happens a lot. People don't enjoy playing with me and after She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named told me I'd never amount to anything and was the most worthless sack of shit she ever knew, it killed my desire to play games even more. Even single player games just didn't matter anymore.
Then, October, a hobby shop opened up near my house. While looking through their stuff, I noticed a big black box that said "WARHAMMER 40,000: DARK VENGEANCE." I'd actually thought about getting into the hobby the year before and had seen the old starter box with the Ultramarines and Orks, so I knew enough to know this was a new thing. I'd always been interested in the universe and have had many internet friends mention they were into it over the years but would never really talk about it much because I didn't also play. All I knew was it it's expensive, time consuming, and pretty frustrating to actually play just like any dice game tends to be.
With all the shit piling up at the time, I just decided why the hell not, bought the box, and started looking into guides on how to paint. I didn't actually put them together for about 3 weeks, and didn't start painting til late November.
I've never been a terribly "happy" person. I believe happiness is fleeting because for me, true happiness comes in sharing life with people I care about, and the ultimate type of "sharing life with someone I care about" has yet to really happen because my failures with the opposite sex are many and frequent.
A lot of my interests have faded away over the years because of it. Some things I really loved died along with failed relationships. I used to adore reading and writing, and then the only actual girlfriend I ever had broke up with me and took my enthusiasm for authorship along with her. That was... 2007? Feels like ages ago but in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't.
I was involved in a long distance relationship for about two years that ended November of 2011. One of the main ways we had of spending time doing stuff together was video games. I've always been a "serious" gamer type, and even then once that relationship ended, I lost a lot of my enthusiasm for that, too. It's a problem and one I need to get over, I know, that part of me leaves with the people I choose to care about but I believe the best way to be is to give a piece of your heart to everyone who enters your life.
Back to the attempted suicide: The biggest reason I wanted to end it was nothing made me happy for a long time so I just kind of quit doing anything. I felt like nothing mattered because I was just going to fail at everything forever. I quit going to classes because classes drove me crazy. I still have a hard time associating with large groups of people. I get the reputation as a know-it-all in most classes because the way I learn is by participating in discussion and asking lots of (hopefully) pertinent questions, so I talk lots and people take my love of debate as me being a dick. My video game groups started falling apart because of my competitiveness. I admit I really am a dick when I feel like I'm being left out to dry by my teammates which, when you play games like Dota 2, happens a lot. People don't enjoy playing with me and after She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named told me I'd never amount to anything and was the most worthless sack of shit she ever knew, it killed my desire to play games even more. Even single player games just didn't matter anymore.
Then, October, a hobby shop opened up near my house. While looking through their stuff, I noticed a big black box that said "WARHAMMER 40,000: DARK VENGEANCE." I'd actually thought about getting into the hobby the year before and had seen the old starter box with the Ultramarines and Orks, so I knew enough to know this was a new thing. I'd always been interested in the universe and have had many internet friends mention they were into it over the years but would never really talk about it much because I didn't also play. All I knew was it it's expensive, time consuming, and pretty frustrating to actually play just like any dice game tends to be.
With all the shit piling up at the time, I just decided why the hell not, bought the box, and started looking into guides on how to paint. I didn't actually put them together for about 3 weeks, and didn't start painting til late November.
This was my first squad. I think I did alright.
Something clicked. I realized I really enjoyed doing this. I've always been fairly creative, but never had an outlet for it. Throughout my life, I kept trying things here and there but it never stuck. Drawing, inking, digital photography, digital editing, whatever. I'd get bored and quit after a week or so. This, though... this was different. For the first time in my life, I did something I could show off. Yeah okay it's nerdy and dorky and odd to the majority of the public, but still even people that think I'm terrible at life couldn't say I was terrible at this one thing. I knew it was good. I found something I was alright at that I knew I could be great at, and it just so happened to coincide with a fun game.
I kept painting, more and more. Couldn't stop that first week, in fact. The itch hit hard and it's all I thought about. I kept loading up my painting arsenal to include highlight colors, shades, extra colors for smaller details. I kept picking up new brushes. I kept pushing myself to make each model better than the last. And no one could tell me it was stupid. That I was a failure. That I wasn't good enough. It was something just for me, for maybe the first time ever. There was no social pressure on me. I've made some friends since due to this game, but even if they faded away it wouldn't matter to me because I do this for me.
Fast forward through the holidays: I got really good. Here's guys I got done while at home over the holidays.
Once I returned to my college house and took my guys down to the game shop (which I at when I took the picture of the fully assembled and painted tactical squad... Wish that scenery was mine), I started getting "Woah, man, that's awesome!" responses from people who've been playing since 1996. It was then I knew I had some real talent. I don't care how niche it is: I was actually good at something and don't have to fish for compliments to receive them. Maybe the people who read this won't understand how monumental that is, but it really is a big deal. I had something I could take pride in. I knew for maybe the first time in my whole life I could make something beautiful (in the detail sense!)
The moral of the story is sometimes, you just have to say "Fuck it" when the world keeps kicking you. Go find something that makes you happy. Go find something to be good at. Go find something that even if people tease you for it, you know you did great.
My life still is far from where I want it to be. This didn't solve my financial issues (it's added to them, let's be honest). It sure as hell isn't going to solve my women issues. But it did help with my self esteem, which has been in the gutter since junior high. Even right now I'm almost in tears writing this up because I realize I don't hate myself anymore. It's a pretty fucking awesome feeling.
This is my most recent figurine, something I finished painting maybe 4 or 5 hours ago.
He's my best work, and you know what? I know I'm going to keep getting better.
If there's anything I want people to get out of this, it's just to keep trying. Go out and just FIND something. Go out and do. Maybe I'm not a terribly religious person anymore but if there's anyone one thing the Bible got right, it's that you can't be happy if you just remain idle.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Been awhile. Howdy.
Haven't posted in a long time. Lots of reasons for that. Biggest has to be a girl who entered my life shortly after my last blog entry here. I made a private blog not long after then just to try and figure out what was going on in my own head, and after she continually lied and deceived me, I just up and deleted it. Never got around to re-blogging again.
Only reason I'm drawn back here again today is a post of mine about a year and a half ago describing the situation that lead to my disillusionment with another student here on campus, and that guy (who has since graduated and moved up North) just now responded to it with the typical internet tough-guy "Cool story" mantra.
I wonder what would ever drive someone to comment on something a year and a half old on the internet, except maybe like a YouTube video describing how-to something. I've moved on. I assumed this guy moved on. I know for a fact he read it back when it was first published by way of his ex-girlfriend linking him the article.
Grudges are such a waste of time. This is the second time someone in my past whom I hadn't spoken to in a really long time decided to reply to something I wrote a million years ago just to remind me they don't like me, or whatever. About two months ago, a guy that used to play League of Legends with me and my circle of internet friends replied to a review I wrote for the game Terraria, on Steam. This guy I never had a problem with as far as I knew, but he wrote some pretty passive-aggressive stuff about me because my Terraria review is "offensive."
My review in it's entirety:
"To be honest, I don't get the appeal. I thought I'd like it at first, but after a half hour of have no aim and drive to accomplish anything, I haven't booted it back up since. Not to mention the fact it relies on the archaic direct IP address connection method, meaning good luck doing the multiplayer if you're as network illeterate as I am.
I am fairly certain it's an autism simulator, appealing to people who want to see how many colorful shaped blocks they can line up in a row."
Only reason I'm drawn back here again today is a post of mine about a year and a half ago describing the situation that lead to my disillusionment with another student here on campus, and that guy (who has since graduated and moved up North) just now responded to it with the typical internet tough-guy "Cool story" mantra.
I wonder what would ever drive someone to comment on something a year and a half old on the internet, except maybe like a YouTube video describing how-to something. I've moved on. I assumed this guy moved on. I know for a fact he read it back when it was first published by way of his ex-girlfriend linking him the article.
Grudges are such a waste of time. This is the second time someone in my past whom I hadn't spoken to in a really long time decided to reply to something I wrote a million years ago just to remind me they don't like me, or whatever. About two months ago, a guy that used to play League of Legends with me and my circle of internet friends replied to a review I wrote for the game Terraria, on Steam. This guy I never had a problem with as far as I knew, but he wrote some pretty passive-aggressive stuff about me because my Terraria review is "offensive."
My review in it's entirety:
"To be honest, I don't get the appeal. I thought I'd like it at first, but after a half hour of have no aim and drive to accomplish anything, I haven't booted it back up since. Not to mention the fact it relies on the archaic direct IP address connection method, meaning good luck doing the multiplayer if you're as network illeterate as I am.
I am fairly certain it's an autism simulator, appealing to people who want to see how many colorful shaped blocks they can line up in a row."
Is associating a game where the goal is to build things in obsessive OCD functionality to autism offensive? Slightly. It's also pretty funny if you share my sense of humor.
He attacked me for being "highly negative" in multiplayer settings, so why should I even want multiplayer functionality? I hadn't spoken to this guy in like two years, maybe more. He disappeared off the internet for quite some time and never rejoined our little clique again at least through the VOIP server. As far as I knew, we were kosher. Guess not. Guess he harbored some deep resentment toward me.
I get still disliking someone from your past, because it's only human to still not like a person when the last encounter was hostile. What I don't get is waiting more than a year to do anything about it, especially when otherwise there would be no contact again. Unless I'm given reason to like today, I'm never going to think about either of these guys again. I guess if I'm still sticking in their craw years removed from ever having spoken with them, I did something very right.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
News Flash: Winning doesn't change you
I am saddened and angry at all this nonsense about how it's impossible to "hate LeBron James" anymore.
I want to be on the record as never criticizing him for leaving Cleveland during free agency to move to Miami. I have always liked him. However, to suggest LeBron is suddenly a likable person if you were on the hate train is utter ridiculousness.
I challenge anyone to find a person who is fundamentally changed as a person because they won something, or were at the top of their respective career fields. A person's personality might get changed a little bit as would anyone who's accomplished a life-long dream, but chances are it's in a marginal way. All the sudden, LeBron is the Dali Llama of basketball players? All the sudden, people who thought he was a coward for quitting on his home town to play with other stars in the league are expected to not find fault with him?
If the argument is based off people "hating" him because of his ability to play the game and his playstyle, then okay yeah. He answered the calls of the critics by being an unstoppable force all playoffs long, if not all season long. But to suggest you can't keep hating LeBron now that he's a championship is a highlight of a faulty thought process America seems to embrace.
Winning is not everything, not does it absolve mistakes on the path to success. It is just success. Nothing more, nothing less. There are really shitty people who "win" in life every day. Does that mean everyone needs to behave as those people, or forgive those people for being awful? Not in the least. It's something we need to stop, as a society. We need to stop empowering people who step on others get ahead in life.
I just feel like there is no incentive to be a nice guy. Whenever you say to someone, "Okay I will come fill in for you this weekend," they never return that favor. It's just you giving of yourself. It's wrong of our society to think that it's entirely up to a person if they give of themselves, and if they do it they should ask for nothing in return.
I am going off on tangents related to my personal life now so I will try to regroup: LeBron is the same guy he was a week ago. He still helped create a super team and a potential Eastern Conference dynasty for the first time since the Bulls. My opinion of him as a player has not changed in the least. I've always thought he was a great player, and this win doesn't validate HIM, but it validates the concept that an entire team has to win.
I want to be on the record as never criticizing him for leaving Cleveland during free agency to move to Miami. I have always liked him. However, to suggest LeBron is suddenly a likable person if you were on the hate train is utter ridiculousness.
I challenge anyone to find a person who is fundamentally changed as a person because they won something, or were at the top of their respective career fields. A person's personality might get changed a little bit as would anyone who's accomplished a life-long dream, but chances are it's in a marginal way. All the sudden, LeBron is the Dali Llama of basketball players? All the sudden, people who thought he was a coward for quitting on his home town to play with other stars in the league are expected to not find fault with him?
If the argument is based off people "hating" him because of his ability to play the game and his playstyle, then okay yeah. He answered the calls of the critics by being an unstoppable force all playoffs long, if not all season long. But to suggest you can't keep hating LeBron now that he's a championship is a highlight of a faulty thought process America seems to embrace.
Winning is not everything, not does it absolve mistakes on the path to success. It is just success. Nothing more, nothing less. There are really shitty people who "win" in life every day. Does that mean everyone needs to behave as those people, or forgive those people for being awful? Not in the least. It's something we need to stop, as a society. We need to stop empowering people who step on others get ahead in life.
I just feel like there is no incentive to be a nice guy. Whenever you say to someone, "Okay I will come fill in for you this weekend," they never return that favor. It's just you giving of yourself. It's wrong of our society to think that it's entirely up to a person if they give of themselves, and if they do it they should ask for nothing in return.
I am going off on tangents related to my personal life now so I will try to regroup: LeBron is the same guy he was a week ago. He still helped create a super team and a potential Eastern Conference dynasty for the first time since the Bulls. My opinion of him as a player has not changed in the least. I've always thought he was a great player, and this win doesn't validate HIM, but it validates the concept that an entire team has to win.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Yearly Reminder: Magic the Gathering is pretty awesome.
Picked up this year's iteration of Stainless Games' "Magic: the Gathering- Duels of the Planeswalkers" and it's reminded me something I've known for quite a long time. M:tG is the only worthwhile collectable card game ever made.
I've played a lot of them. Tried to get into Pokemon for awhile because that was the rage in my younger days, but it lacked real strategic depth. Tried Yu-Gi-Oh but it's a convoluted mess, and it was one of those games where a rare card totally trumped deck building. Tried the World of Warcraft CCG but it just felt like a cash-grab despite actually being fairly good.
But Magic. The allure of the franchise grabs me again every time. It's proof style matters a whole lot, though substance is still equally important. It's been around since 1993. It is the first, and because of it, the best. It's had the most amount of time to turn into a refined product, and is the only one that can truly claim it's not an imitator.
For those uninitiated, the concept is fairly simple. You are a Planeswalker, a.k.a. a really powerful magician. You tap into the powers of the elements, represented by the M:TG color wheel. Green represents growth, harmony, nature and is themed around big ass creatures and spells that make those creatures more powerful. Red represents chaos and fire, and is often themed around directly damaging opponent creatures and players via sorceries and instant spells. Blue represents intellect, the ocean, and strategy and tends to rely on cards that manipulate what your opponent can attempt to do, via counterspells and mind control. Black is evil, domination, and death and tends to employ minions of the undead along with direct creature destruction sorcery magic. White represents holiness, purity and defense. It usually has hordes of weak creatures that synergize well together, and employs powerful defensive spells.
Remember these are all themes. There are a lot of cards which basically overlap from one ideal to another, so aligning yourself with a color simply focuses your possible strategies rather than defining them. The video game version obviously lacks depth of the real card game because you are stuck with pre-fabricated decks rather than ones you assemble yourself, but it's still the actual game represented 100% faithfully.
New features to 2013:
The campaign is set up a little bit differently, and for the better I feel. You still fight against the 10 decks to unlock more cards, but they added in challenges where the enemy deck behaves in a set way, with set draws, and tends to spam a specific strategy at you to see if you can overcome it. It's a good way to highlight which strategies counter your deck, and lets you build accordingly to overcome it as best you can.
The challenge modes fans of the first two games remember, where you are presented with a specific situation and tasked to overcome the odds by playing your hand perfectly, is available immediately like it was in the first title rather than having to slog through the campaign to unlock them. It's over quick if you're good at the game, but it's still a lot of fun and was always the highlight for me as a fan. They also start off much more difficult than previous games. I'm stuck and I'm barely halfway through it!
There are a lot more variety between the initial 10 decks, and I am pretty sure we'll be seeing DLC deck packs coming soon themed around the notably absent famous characters from the M:TG world. So far, I feel it's a lot more balanced than 2012 was. The blue illusions deck in 2012 was so vastly superior to every other deck except maybe the direct damage red one that 80% of the time you went online, you'd play against it. Kind of annoying. I hope the deck balance lasts. We'll see how my opinions of that change once I unlock more cards and throw myself into the competitive scene.
The big new mode is "Planechase." It's a twist on the already chaotic 4 player free-for-all matches. A planes card is in effect which manipulates the battlefield in some way, and can be manipulated by use of a "Planes die." You can roll it for free once a round or tap mana for extra rolls, each roll taking another mana than the last cast. Listing each possible planes would take me forever, so we'll just leave it at it totally changes the dynamic of multiplayer matches in a much needed way, and is totally hectic. I'm all in favor of this mode, even though it can potentially make matches drag on for a very, very long time.
--------
Verdict: It costs $9.99 bucks to get a starter deck to begin with, so if you're new to Magic or enjoy the game, it's pretty hard to argue with the cost of entry. Pick it up! It's a very fun game for the price of entry and keeps players playing for a long while.
I've played a lot of them. Tried to get into Pokemon for awhile because that was the rage in my younger days, but it lacked real strategic depth. Tried Yu-Gi-Oh but it's a convoluted mess, and it was one of those games where a rare card totally trumped deck building. Tried the World of Warcraft CCG but it just felt like a cash-grab despite actually being fairly good.
But Magic. The allure of the franchise grabs me again every time. It's proof style matters a whole lot, though substance is still equally important. It's been around since 1993. It is the first, and because of it, the best. It's had the most amount of time to turn into a refined product, and is the only one that can truly claim it's not an imitator.
For those uninitiated, the concept is fairly simple. You are a Planeswalker, a.k.a. a really powerful magician. You tap into the powers of the elements, represented by the M:TG color wheel. Green represents growth, harmony, nature and is themed around big ass creatures and spells that make those creatures more powerful. Red represents chaos and fire, and is often themed around directly damaging opponent creatures and players via sorceries and instant spells. Blue represents intellect, the ocean, and strategy and tends to rely on cards that manipulate what your opponent can attempt to do, via counterspells and mind control. Black is evil, domination, and death and tends to employ minions of the undead along with direct creature destruction sorcery magic. White represents holiness, purity and defense. It usually has hordes of weak creatures that synergize well together, and employs powerful defensive spells.
Remember these are all themes. There are a lot of cards which basically overlap from one ideal to another, so aligning yourself with a color simply focuses your possible strategies rather than defining them. The video game version obviously lacks depth of the real card game because you are stuck with pre-fabricated decks rather than ones you assemble yourself, but it's still the actual game represented 100% faithfully.
New features to 2013:
The campaign is set up a little bit differently, and for the better I feel. You still fight against the 10 decks to unlock more cards, but they added in challenges where the enemy deck behaves in a set way, with set draws, and tends to spam a specific strategy at you to see if you can overcome it. It's a good way to highlight which strategies counter your deck, and lets you build accordingly to overcome it as best you can.
The challenge modes fans of the first two games remember, where you are presented with a specific situation and tasked to overcome the odds by playing your hand perfectly, is available immediately like it was in the first title rather than having to slog through the campaign to unlock them. It's over quick if you're good at the game, but it's still a lot of fun and was always the highlight for me as a fan. They also start off much more difficult than previous games. I'm stuck and I'm barely halfway through it!
There are a lot more variety between the initial 10 decks, and I am pretty sure we'll be seeing DLC deck packs coming soon themed around the notably absent famous characters from the M:TG world. So far, I feel it's a lot more balanced than 2012 was. The blue illusions deck in 2012 was so vastly superior to every other deck except maybe the direct damage red one that 80% of the time you went online, you'd play against it. Kind of annoying. I hope the deck balance lasts. We'll see how my opinions of that change once I unlock more cards and throw myself into the competitive scene.
The big new mode is "Planechase." It's a twist on the already chaotic 4 player free-for-all matches. A planes card is in effect which manipulates the battlefield in some way, and can be manipulated by use of a "Planes die." You can roll it for free once a round or tap mana for extra rolls, each roll taking another mana than the last cast. Listing each possible planes would take me forever, so we'll just leave it at it totally changes the dynamic of multiplayer matches in a much needed way, and is totally hectic. I'm all in favor of this mode, even though it can potentially make matches drag on for a very, very long time.
--------
Verdict: It costs $9.99 bucks to get a starter deck to begin with, so if you're new to Magic or enjoy the game, it's pretty hard to argue with the cost of entry. Pick it up! It's a very fun game for the price of entry and keeps players playing for a long while.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Can I just not like Diablo III, please?
I am a social gamer. I like playing games with other people. I like talking games with other people. I like sharing in that nerdy exchange of nerdy things.
Gaming is inherently social. What this results in is a hive mind mentality of "Like this or you are not a real gamer."
Diablo III is the latest game that has the kind of buzz around it all gamers are forced to have an opinion on it. I've played it and got a guy to max level. I hate the game. I genuinely do not like it. AND I'm sick of friends talking about it nonstop.
I got it. It's a loot grind. You found some new loot. You progressed your guy far enough you can "farm" some boss over and over to try and get new items. I don't care anymore. I've told my gamer friends I don't care any more. They launched a real money auction house? Go figure; I still don't care.
Normally it doesn't bother me when friends talk a game I have no interest in, but the fact I display no interest in this particular title any more somehow makes my gamer friends question my taste in everything. I do not understand. I have expressed the same levels of distaste as the other friends on what about the game bothers me, but somehow not willing to stick it out because the end result of the gameplay doesn't appeal to me means...?
Here's the facts, folks. It requires you to be online to play it, which means it's not at my leisure. That is a huge mark against it. If I want to play a game at 5 AM on Tuesday (or whenever maintenance is), I should have that ability. It's also at heart a loot grind. The plot is pretty shallow (I would argue makes the former games weaker for being associated with it) so once you beat it on Normal, all there is, is simply to go slaughter minions of hell to get better loot to more efficiently kill the minions of hell. That is all fine and dandy but when the difference between gear is pretty miniscule and there are only two viable classes on the hardest difficulty AND THE GAME PENALIZES YOU FOR PLAYING WITH FRIENDS, it's just not worth it.
So, friends, I do not give a single iota of care to the fact you got some new nifty sword. It's the same way I have felt about World of Warcraft for years, and yet my WoW friends know not to tell others not involved with the game about some new progression they've made in that game. Let Diablo III be the same way.
Gaming is inherently social. What this results in is a hive mind mentality of "Like this or you are not a real gamer."
Diablo III is the latest game that has the kind of buzz around it all gamers are forced to have an opinion on it. I've played it and got a guy to max level. I hate the game. I genuinely do not like it. AND I'm sick of friends talking about it nonstop.
I got it. It's a loot grind. You found some new loot. You progressed your guy far enough you can "farm" some boss over and over to try and get new items. I don't care anymore. I've told my gamer friends I don't care any more. They launched a real money auction house? Go figure; I still don't care.
Normally it doesn't bother me when friends talk a game I have no interest in, but the fact I display no interest in this particular title any more somehow makes my gamer friends question my taste in everything. I do not understand. I have expressed the same levels of distaste as the other friends on what about the game bothers me, but somehow not willing to stick it out because the end result of the gameplay doesn't appeal to me means...?
Here's the facts, folks. It requires you to be online to play it, which means it's not at my leisure. That is a huge mark against it. If I want to play a game at 5 AM on Tuesday (or whenever maintenance is), I should have that ability. It's also at heart a loot grind. The plot is pretty shallow (I would argue makes the former games weaker for being associated with it) so once you beat it on Normal, all there is, is simply to go slaughter minions of hell to get better loot to more efficiently kill the minions of hell. That is all fine and dandy but when the difference between gear is pretty miniscule and there are only two viable classes on the hardest difficulty AND THE GAME PENALIZES YOU FOR PLAYING WITH FRIENDS, it's just not worth it.
So, friends, I do not give a single iota of care to the fact you got some new nifty sword. It's the same way I have felt about World of Warcraft for years, and yet my WoW friends know not to tell others not involved with the game about some new progression they've made in that game. Let Diablo III be the same way.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Summer blag! NBA playoffs!
Sorry for the delay. I need to reorganize some things, especially how I hijacked my own blog in order to use as an assignment board for classes last semester. I plan on moving all those posts to a separate, class only blog and making this one again about video games and sports.
Because those are my two loves, and that's the kind of readership I want. <3
Today's topic: Sports.
The NBA playoffs, amirite? I find it funny how I absolutely abhor the regular season of the NBA (it's so boring!) but the Playoffs are just about the best TV event short of the NFL playoffs.
I missed most of the first rounds because school was finishing up and I was too busy writing papers to really follow sports.
Watching Oklahoma bounce the Lakers out of the playoffs was a beautiful thing. It's funny watching Kobe struggle as his team sits around and expects him to do it all. I know I take a lot of flack from sports fans for this, but I feel like Michael Jordan ruined basketball, or at least ruined all the people paid to talk about basketball who lived through that era.
I am so sick and tired of how "basketball experts" praise certain players as being the best in the league, then bash them for not having championship rings. LeBron James gets the brunt of this but it's applied to a lot of other guys. The problem is this type of talk seems to me like it arose during the post second 3peat of his Airness, and everyone who's come into the league since with great expectations has been told by the media and by everyone else around them they are the next Michael Jordan and they are expected to carry and lift their teams to victory single-handedly.
It just doesn't work that way. Basketball is a team game, and while having a super star certainly helps it does not guarantee you a damn thing. Look at how many epic great players were in the league during Michael's stay in the NBA. Are ALL of them failures because they weren't on the Bulls?
The thing time forgot is just how great that Bulls team was. They still had winning records the two years in between Michael's baseball career attempt. Scottie Pippin was a stud player and would have been the lead guy on any other team in the league. Dennis Rodman is one of the greatest defensive players and easily the greatest gatherer of rebounds the game had ever seen. The perimeter shooting of the team was amazing. It was a truly complete TEAM, and it just happened to have the best player in the NBA on that team.
I am going to give you a list of literally every team that won the championship since Jordan retired:
Spurs (x3)
Lakers (x5)
Pistons (x1)
Heat (x1)
Celtics (x1)
Mavericks (x1)
It's a really short list. And it's also proof TEAM MATTERS. Kobe Bryant is definitely one of the all time greatest NBA players to ever play the game, but remember how utterly trash the Lakers teams were post-Shaq before they got that miracle trade for Pau Gasol? He couldn't and still can't win it on his own.
All of those teams, name the start players. Lakers, you have Kobe. But you also had Shaq, Derek Fisher in his prime, Cedric Ceballos and Robert Horry. Lots of good, solid players surrounding him. It was a great TEAM that first three-peat and their recent two championships again had a really phenominal supporting cast. You have Timmy Duncan for the Spurs, and then Tony Parker and Manu Ginobli when those guys showed up. No one ever looked at that Spurs dynasty and said it was just because Duncan could take over a game on his own. He is just a phenomenal player surrounded by a cast that accentuates his skills (which is to say being really, really effing tall). It was always about how great a TEAM they were. The Heat? Again it wasn't just Dwayne Wade but you had Shaq and Alonzo Mourning and a bunch of great perimeter shooters and blah blah. Pistons? Great team, with a bunch of guys who might not even make it at least as first ballots into the hall of fame. Celtics? Bunch of guys past their prime no one expected to single-handedly carry their teams anymore. Mavericks? Just a great team with one of the greatest benches in the league.
But all those start players like Kobe and LeBron think they have to do it all, and when they fall short they get lambasted in the media. It's sickening and downright disturbing. The reason I am cheering for the Heat to win it all this year is so people can stop looking at LeBron, one of the greatest if not the greatest basketball player in the world today, as a failure and celebrate him for the greatness he does on the court.
Because those are my two loves, and that's the kind of readership I want. <3
Today's topic: Sports.
The NBA playoffs, amirite? I find it funny how I absolutely abhor the regular season of the NBA (it's so boring!) but the Playoffs are just about the best TV event short of the NFL playoffs.
I missed most of the first rounds because school was finishing up and I was too busy writing papers to really follow sports.
Watching Oklahoma bounce the Lakers out of the playoffs was a beautiful thing. It's funny watching Kobe struggle as his team sits around and expects him to do it all. I know I take a lot of flack from sports fans for this, but I feel like Michael Jordan ruined basketball, or at least ruined all the people paid to talk about basketball who lived through that era.
I am so sick and tired of how "basketball experts" praise certain players as being the best in the league, then bash them for not having championship rings. LeBron James gets the brunt of this but it's applied to a lot of other guys. The problem is this type of talk seems to me like it arose during the post second 3peat of his Airness, and everyone who's come into the league since with great expectations has been told by the media and by everyone else around them they are the next Michael Jordan and they are expected to carry and lift their teams to victory single-handedly.
It just doesn't work that way. Basketball is a team game, and while having a super star certainly helps it does not guarantee you a damn thing. Look at how many epic great players were in the league during Michael's stay in the NBA. Are ALL of them failures because they weren't on the Bulls?
The thing time forgot is just how great that Bulls team was. They still had winning records the two years in between Michael's baseball career attempt. Scottie Pippin was a stud player and would have been the lead guy on any other team in the league. Dennis Rodman is one of the greatest defensive players and easily the greatest gatherer of rebounds the game had ever seen. The perimeter shooting of the team was amazing. It was a truly complete TEAM, and it just happened to have the best player in the NBA on that team.
I am going to give you a list of literally every team that won the championship since Jordan retired:
Spurs (x3)
Lakers (x5)
Pistons (x1)
Heat (x1)
Celtics (x1)
Mavericks (x1)
It's a really short list. And it's also proof TEAM MATTERS. Kobe Bryant is definitely one of the all time greatest NBA players to ever play the game, but remember how utterly trash the Lakers teams were post-Shaq before they got that miracle trade for Pau Gasol? He couldn't and still can't win it on his own.
All of those teams, name the start players. Lakers, you have Kobe. But you also had Shaq, Derek Fisher in his prime, Cedric Ceballos and Robert Horry. Lots of good, solid players surrounding him. It was a great TEAM that first three-peat and their recent two championships again had a really phenominal supporting cast. You have Timmy Duncan for the Spurs, and then Tony Parker and Manu Ginobli when those guys showed up. No one ever looked at that Spurs dynasty and said it was just because Duncan could take over a game on his own. He is just a phenomenal player surrounded by a cast that accentuates his skills (which is to say being really, really effing tall). It was always about how great a TEAM they were. The Heat? Again it wasn't just Dwayne Wade but you had Shaq and Alonzo Mourning and a bunch of great perimeter shooters and blah blah. Pistons? Great team, with a bunch of guys who might not even make it at least as first ballots into the hall of fame. Celtics? Bunch of guys past their prime no one expected to single-handedly carry their teams anymore. Mavericks? Just a great team with one of the greatest benches in the league.
But all those start players like Kobe and LeBron think they have to do it all, and when they fall short they get lambasted in the media. It's sickening and downright disturbing. The reason I am cheering for the Heat to win it all this year is so people can stop looking at LeBron, one of the greatest if not the greatest basketball player in the world today, as a failure and celebrate him for the greatness he does on the court.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Comm 4330 Final - Masses defining the media.
The question: "How can we ensure that our development as moral and social animals keeps pace with our rapidly evolving communication technology?"
My answer: Society adapts. I do not believe in predeterminism, whether we're talking the religious idea of it or simply in the sense of defining what we "absolutely need to do" in order to fix a perceive problem.
It is human nature. Man evolves to no longer have as long and shaggy hair to deal with the cold, so man learns to utilize the hides of kills for food and discovers ways to harness fire. Man and companions feel oppressed enough to fight out of slavery, they rebel and escape to start anew (or die trying.)
How does this come about with this particular problem of internet majority and personal news catering the the point it's entirely possible to erect blinders and stew in ignorance and hatred? I wish I knew the answer. I've been struggling to discover the reason behind why internet trolls and jerkfaces act the way they do because maybe if I understood their reasoning, I could say or teach or do something that would influence their behavior to change. Gladstone mentions as much in her book, suggesting the vast amount of people and response time people can get through social media and the Internet makes it too easy for folks to flock to just one mind set, which then breeds aggression and ignorance of anyone on the outside.
I see that effect daily. I've mentioned a hundred billion times I'm an avid gamer, but I'm also a guy who looks at the social effects any given game has on people. During this semester, there are two big examples I can think of off the top of my head showing just how nasty and vile people are.
First, Mass Effect 3's ending. I even wrote my own opinions on the game's ending. It was that polarizing. Every gaming blog on the planet had their take on how it made them feel. A large number of gamers felt cheated, that the ending of the game cheapened the experiences we've had in the franchise since the original title launched in 2007. An op-ed piece by Sparky Clarkson on Kotaku.com, Gawker Media's gaming blog, sums it up by saying the more a player knows about the game's universe, the worse the ending feels. I could grab a hundred other links; it was a really, really big stink.
If you want to see just how nasty the polarizing effect of mere opinion has, look no further than the comments on this piece. Some of the filth on there is just atrocious. It's clearly an opinion piece, yet there are those who rip into the author, and just as many who adamantly defend him. I was in the latter. I was adding to the problem, even though I was just trying to stem the tide of disgruntled people.
Secondly, I notice with alarm an increasing sentiment among players of Dota 2 that they have to type out their superiority to the rest of gamerdom by bashing imagined sleights and spouting tired internet memes. The game has a feature allowing players to watch top-ranked matches. There's even a ticker showing the game progress of the top 3 most watched games at any given time, and those ones on the front page tend to have anywhere from 50 to 600 viewers at any given time. It's a neat feature for those trying to learn the game or who simply like watching the professional players do their things, but those 600 viewers are allowed to talk to each other and boy does it get messy. I notice with alarming frequency unprovoked attacks against players of other video games which are similar to Dota. You'll have the 2 or 3 guys any given match who "broadcast" in the sense they like to discuss what's happening in game, then someone will inevitably come in shouting about how players of League of Legends, the big powerhouse breadwinner in that particular style of game, are "gay" or some sort of ad hominem attack which really shows more about the ignorance of the person posting than it says about the product they are bashing. The worst part is as soon as one guy start yelling and shouting and hating, everyone is forced into the conflict. It's either join up with the elitist who hate all things like Dota but that isn't Dota, or get trampled by expressing how silly it is to get that fired up other people enjoy some other game which isn't the one any of those particular group is possibly playing at the moment.
I actually believe the idea of "larger and richer webs of interdependence" is the root of the problem, not the solution. If the problem is large groups of people bandying together and then blocking out dissenting opinion, increasing the size of the pool doesn't dilute the waste inside. The internet was not always such a place of alarming polarization. I recall when I first started using it, IRC chatrooms were kind of a big deal, and the only social networking people did was simply fill up their entire AoL Instant Messenger friend's list with kids they knew from class. You didn't have these epic giant forums impossible to moderate because it was usually just a couple of friends who made some sort of internet chat for some common interest and it was just hanging out virtually. If a stranger walked in, people would greet and say hi and invite that person to participate in said common interest and if not, just move along and find the next chat room. I don't personally recall flaming hatred and anger toward anyone that had a different mindset back then in such a pervasive way it was all I could see.
I think it'd be neat to get back to that, and the way it has to happen is how it originally happened: People who were already united in the real world in some sort of common interest simply making an internet hang out. And, it needs to be policed. When someone comes in and starts spouting racial slurs and homophobic epithets, the people who run the place need to actually step up and say, "Not cool, bro." No one does that any more. I never read an internet opinion piece where the writer of it actually responds to any of the people in the comments section, and even exploring weeks old comments you discover none of the hateful filth was removed. That kind of laissez-faire approach breeds more and more people to behave in the same way. It's a Pavlonian response: Your opinion piece is the bell and their ignorant hateful drivel is the drool.
If the world is to be a better place, the people leading discussions have to dictate the way the discourse flows. You simply must do it. The way we handle online discussions should be the same way we handle them in our personal daily lives. If someone gets up and starts saying something offensive, you must let it be known that kind of talk will not be tolerated. We don't need the internet full of Taylor Grins telling the rest of society they are ignorant and stupid for believing in God even when that topic has nothing relevant to whatever discussion is going on. The person in charge needs to step up and say, "Knock it off or gtfo" and then actually back up the threat by removing the hateful messages.
My answer: Society adapts. I do not believe in predeterminism, whether we're talking the religious idea of it or simply in the sense of defining what we "absolutely need to do" in order to fix a perceive problem.
It is human nature. Man evolves to no longer have as long and shaggy hair to deal with the cold, so man learns to utilize the hides of kills for food and discovers ways to harness fire. Man and companions feel oppressed enough to fight out of slavery, they rebel and escape to start anew (or die trying.)
How does this come about with this particular problem of internet majority and personal news catering the the point it's entirely possible to erect blinders and stew in ignorance and hatred? I wish I knew the answer. I've been struggling to discover the reason behind why internet trolls and jerkfaces act the way they do because maybe if I understood their reasoning, I could say or teach or do something that would influence their behavior to change. Gladstone mentions as much in her book, suggesting the vast amount of people and response time people can get through social media and the Internet makes it too easy for folks to flock to just one mind set, which then breeds aggression and ignorance of anyone on the outside.
I see that effect daily. I've mentioned a hundred billion times I'm an avid gamer, but I'm also a guy who looks at the social effects any given game has on people. During this semester, there are two big examples I can think of off the top of my head showing just how nasty and vile people are.
First, Mass Effect 3's ending. I even wrote my own opinions on the game's ending. It was that polarizing. Every gaming blog on the planet had their take on how it made them feel. A large number of gamers felt cheated, that the ending of the game cheapened the experiences we've had in the franchise since the original title launched in 2007. An op-ed piece by Sparky Clarkson on Kotaku.com, Gawker Media's gaming blog, sums it up by saying the more a player knows about the game's universe, the worse the ending feels. I could grab a hundred other links; it was a really, really big stink.
If you want to see just how nasty the polarizing effect of mere opinion has, look no further than the comments on this piece. Some of the filth on there is just atrocious. It's clearly an opinion piece, yet there are those who rip into the author, and just as many who adamantly defend him. I was in the latter. I was adding to the problem, even though I was just trying to stem the tide of disgruntled people.
Secondly, I notice with alarm an increasing sentiment among players of Dota 2 that they have to type out their superiority to the rest of gamerdom by bashing imagined sleights and spouting tired internet memes. The game has a feature allowing players to watch top-ranked matches. There's even a ticker showing the game progress of the top 3 most watched games at any given time, and those ones on the front page tend to have anywhere from 50 to 600 viewers at any given time. It's a neat feature for those trying to learn the game or who simply like watching the professional players do their things, but those 600 viewers are allowed to talk to each other and boy does it get messy. I notice with alarming frequency unprovoked attacks against players of other video games which are similar to Dota. You'll have the 2 or 3 guys any given match who "broadcast" in the sense they like to discuss what's happening in game, then someone will inevitably come in shouting about how players of League of Legends, the big powerhouse breadwinner in that particular style of game, are "gay" or some sort of ad hominem attack which really shows more about the ignorance of the person posting than it says about the product they are bashing. The worst part is as soon as one guy start yelling and shouting and hating, everyone is forced into the conflict. It's either join up with the elitist who hate all things like Dota but that isn't Dota, or get trampled by expressing how silly it is to get that fired up other people enjoy some other game which isn't the one any of those particular group is possibly playing at the moment.
I actually believe the idea of "larger and richer webs of interdependence" is the root of the problem, not the solution. If the problem is large groups of people bandying together and then blocking out dissenting opinion, increasing the size of the pool doesn't dilute the waste inside. The internet was not always such a place of alarming polarization. I recall when I first started using it, IRC chatrooms were kind of a big deal, and the only social networking people did was simply fill up their entire AoL Instant Messenger friend's list with kids they knew from class. You didn't have these epic giant forums impossible to moderate because it was usually just a couple of friends who made some sort of internet chat for some common interest and it was just hanging out virtually. If a stranger walked in, people would greet and say hi and invite that person to participate in said common interest and if not, just move along and find the next chat room. I don't personally recall flaming hatred and anger toward anyone that had a different mindset back then in such a pervasive way it was all I could see.
I think it'd be neat to get back to that, and the way it has to happen is how it originally happened: People who were already united in the real world in some sort of common interest simply making an internet hang out. And, it needs to be policed. When someone comes in and starts spouting racial slurs and homophobic epithets, the people who run the place need to actually step up and say, "Not cool, bro." No one does that any more. I never read an internet opinion piece where the writer of it actually responds to any of the people in the comments section, and even exploring weeks old comments you discover none of the hateful filth was removed. That kind of laissez-faire approach breeds more and more people to behave in the same way. It's a Pavlonian response: Your opinion piece is the bell and their ignorant hateful drivel is the drool.
If the world is to be a better place, the people leading discussions have to dictate the way the discourse flows. You simply must do it. The way we handle online discussions should be the same way we handle them in our personal daily lives. If someone gets up and starts saying something offensive, you must let it be known that kind of talk will not be tolerated. We don't need the internet full of Taylor Grins telling the rest of society they are ignorant and stupid for believing in God even when that topic has nothing relevant to whatever discussion is going on. The person in charge needs to step up and say, "Knock it off or gtfo" and then actually back up the threat by removing the hateful messages.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Media Abstinence.
For a guy who claims he's been able to simply go "new media" free whenever he wants, I wasn't able to get the full 48 hours in we were supposed to for this assignment.
I probably could have easily done it earlier in the semester. What changed: Met people. I've dealt with social insecurities my whole life and will probably continue to do so. The relevance is if someone is willing to talk to me, I can't just turn off the way they contact me.
Plus, you know. Final exams week. Can't just not do research papers. The internet is too valuable a tool to not use it, and I was never very good at utilizing libraries to begin with.
During the 48 hours (which started Friday), my phone was buzzing the whole time with text messages from a new friend and no amount of points in a class is worth going two days not talking to this new friend. My soul is burning brighter than it has in awhile. I'm emotionally a wreck and emotionally uplifted at the same time. I really like this girl. It just figured I'd meet someone who's managed to flip my whole view on the world upside down the week I'm trying to do a project involving not accessing new media.
I guess the best I'll be able to do here is discuss times previously in my life I've gone new medialess, and talk about what my plans were before life threw me this (wonderful) curveball.
I used to have a facebook account. I was addicted to the site, really. I met all sorts of new and amazing people through various social apps. I've always been a collector of other people's stories and enjoy the company of outlandish and far-fetched folk. But, I came to realize over the years Facebook was not healthy for me. I'm sure I've mentioned a dozen times I've struggled with mental health over the years. I need to feel at the very least wanted, and if that desire isn't reinforced I get really grumpy and sore with people.
Constant contact with "everyone" I knew in such an immediate way drove me crazy. Girls I previously had crushes on and thought the world of posted about how wonderful their boyfriends were even when I knew it was simply them trying to tell the world their relationships were perfect to try and convince themselves the guy wasn't actually a total tool. Family would talk about their jobs and new people they hired while I languished unemployed and desperate for a leg up. I emotionally abused myself by surrounding myself with unhappily married women who utilized me as a sort of e-tampon for all their heartache.
After a particular girl I was truly in love with (one of three in my entire life) ended our friendship in a permanent manner, I was so distraught I thought about ending it all. I was on Facebook in the computer lab on campus and was talking with one of those unhappily married women and she was just trying to be a friend but I flipped out and raged at her so hard, she accused me of a lot of really nasty (and probably true) things. I snapped. I had deleted my facebook account multiple times in the past, but this time was different. I decided no more. No more dealing with 300+ people who didn't care about me. I opened the friends tab and literally removed every person from my contact list, one by one. Family was oddly easy to remove because they are family and are therefore actual fixtures in my life. The hard part was clicking away people I knew I would never have contact with again. I knew if I removed myself from the Facebook world, they would never try to contact me with my phone number I knew they had. It was just going to be the end. It was extremely difficult but I was so outraged at how disrespected I felt, I just did it anyway and they are all gone now.
Then, I deleted my account. I knew with no friends on there, there would never be another reason to restart it. I would have to rebuild my e-life from total ground zero and I still don't have it in me. For the next week or so after that, I was the most productive I've been since attending DSC. My phone was dead for a large portion of that week and I didn't even notice. I didn't watch TV. I didn't own my own computer at the time. I just did homework and played my Xbox in offline mode. It's exactly what I needed at the time.
My plans for my media vacation was very simple: Guitar. Play more guitar. Play lots of guitar, and fast guitar, ane pretty guitar, and grunge guitar. I was going to head to a music shop and get a tabulature book of rock songs, or maybe just try and write my own thing.
Life overwhelmed me, though. The best laid plans of mice and men and all that. It's impossible to function in modern society without using new media. Impossible. You cannot succeed in life without the internet. 99% of jobs require you to do your application purely online and they don't even want to meet you face to face any more. Research papers that took weeks take minutes utilizing Google (and discretion.) And good luck attempting to date if you don't have text messaging. It just doesn't work. It can't happen.
So for all my bravado about being able to pry myself away from media and be "totally fine," I probably failed the spirit of this assignment harder than anyone else in the class. Go figure. I guess that in and of itself should be a great lesson to anyone attempting this in the future. Hubris is the downfall of many.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Vis Comm final project
Holy crap, Blogger changed their website and now I can't figure out my ass from my elbow.
I really hope this posts correctly.
Anywho, this is what I created for my VisComm final project. It's meant to be printed on standard paper then chopped up into 6 (hence why it's duplicated 6 times), so my friend Todd who runs the website can go stick them under the windshield wipers of everyone parked at the event.
Trying to fit the high quality photos my friend takes into a discernable way in black and white and that small is a difficult task (which I will be honest, I am not sure I succeeded in!) The reason I did black and white is simply because color would be too damned expensive to print en masse. I would have preferred it simply because he takes really good photos (go check out his photo blog where I got the golf picture from). Had to make it black and white though in order to make sure it'd print out okay that way.
I really hope this posts correctly.
Anywho, this is what I created for my VisComm final project. It's meant to be printed on standard paper then chopped up into 6 (hence why it's duplicated 6 times), so my friend Todd who runs the website can go stick them under the windshield wipers of everyone parked at the event.
Trying to fit the high quality photos my friend takes into a discernable way in black and white and that small is a difficult task (which I will be honest, I am not sure I succeeded in!) The reason I did black and white is simply because color would be too damned expensive to print en masse. I would have preferred it simply because he takes really good photos (go check out his photo blog where I got the golf picture from). Had to make it black and white though in order to make sure it'd print out okay that way.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Interacting with Machines: Preferred Human Interface Devices
We were posed as a challenge in my New Media Applications class to come up with a "convergence" topic to talk about. This was literally right as commercials for the Galaxy Note smartphone started up and I was fascinated by the fact it was technically a step backward in terms of interaction with our computer devices. The trend is touchscreens for everything, right? We'd dealt with stylus systems for a significantly longer time, with old-school PDAs and artist tablet peripherals. It seemed like it was "old" news for them to now be releasing a new smartphone utilizing a stylus rather than it simply being a larger screen on a smartphone but at the same time, I've been saying for years touchscreens drive me crazy because they lack the same tactile response which you get from a keyboard and mouse or some type of analog input device.
Before you read further, DO ME THE KIND FAVOR OF FILLING OUT MY SURVEY. It's only 3 questions, but they get right to the heart of the matter: How do you prefer interacting with your computer media in today's world?
In the research I did looking up sales figures, the Note has sold pretty well despite being panned by electronics gadget critics, and has high user satisfaction ratings from those who actually consume it. My mother owns one, and the insight I've gained from her is she always felt regular smartphones had too small of a screen and she hated making typos from struggling to calibrate where her thumb naturally landed on the keypad of her old iPhone versus the precision controls the stylus offers. Plus, she enjoyed the ease of use of the photo manipulation programs offered on the Android platform in conjunction with the device's release.
It's interesting to me this is the case. It's not like stylus input was always that great. A comic example of this is a Tool-Assisted Speedrun of Brain Age for the Nintendo DS. If you enjoy silly things and people breaking video game code for comic effect, check this out. It just highlights the problem with handwriting recognition software. Let's face it: it hasn't always been that reliable in the past hence the shift toward touchpads in the first place.
But technology has come so far, is it worth revisiting mediums of old? Also, what does this mean for the future? I believe the future is in voice recognition software and things formerly viewed as simply input systems for the handicapped (things like eye motion sensors). The more people who have access to these devices and therefore the internet and social world at large, the better.
In my survey, I listed a bunch of electronic devices that all sell for roughly $399 dollars. It fascinates me how wide the gamut is on products that all serve a similar role and yet have such a huge disparity in processing power. Yet the early results of my survey (which I just posted to a bunch of friends and had them link on their facebook page before starting to edit this into more than a bunch of links!) shows most people at least in my social world prefer sitting at a desktop. You can't exactly do a lot with a $399 desktop, especially if you're a gamer like myself. The latest and greatest video card from nVidia, the GeForce GTX 680, goes for $499 alone on newegg.com. Yet still the folks I associate with still prefer using good ol' keyboard and mouse for their computing needs. This would explain why there are so many people who buy a tablet computer, and immediately turn around to get a keyboard accessory.
Now to share the data from my survey:
If there is any one thing I want people to come away with is that there are devices out there tailored to suit your specific needs. With the prevalence of the current generation of technology, if you are dissatisfied with the input required to use it, go find something which you enjoy using.
------------
Links to back up my data and the key figures I retrieved from them, in no particular order:
http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2012/03/galaxy-note-sales-so-far/
Key figures: 2 million devices sold in Europe, on pace to sell 10 million worldwide in 2012.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/benzingainsights/2011/10/17/what-do-the-iphone-4s-sales-figures-tell-us-about-consumers/
4 million units sold opening week, boasted 1 million pre-sales.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/anthonykosner/2012/03/22/will-the-iphone-5-be-super-sized-what-a-bigger-screen-means-for-data-usage/
Hypothetical: Larger screens = more data usage = ???
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Firstmouseunderside.jpg
History of the Mouse (1962)
http://inventors.about.com/od/computerperipherals/a/computer_keyboa.htm
Patent of typewriters: 1868
Before you read further, DO ME THE KIND FAVOR OF FILLING OUT MY SURVEY. It's only 3 questions, but they get right to the heart of the matter: How do you prefer interacting with your computer media in today's world?
In the research I did looking up sales figures, the Note has sold pretty well despite being panned by electronics gadget critics, and has high user satisfaction ratings from those who actually consume it. My mother owns one, and the insight I've gained from her is she always felt regular smartphones had too small of a screen and she hated making typos from struggling to calibrate where her thumb naturally landed on the keypad of her old iPhone versus the precision controls the stylus offers. Plus, she enjoyed the ease of use of the photo manipulation programs offered on the Android platform in conjunction with the device's release.
It's interesting to me this is the case. It's not like stylus input was always that great. A comic example of this is a Tool-Assisted Speedrun of Brain Age for the Nintendo DS. If you enjoy silly things and people breaking video game code for comic effect, check this out. It just highlights the problem with handwriting recognition software. Let's face it: it hasn't always been that reliable in the past hence the shift toward touchpads in the first place.
But technology has come so far, is it worth revisiting mediums of old? Also, what does this mean for the future? I believe the future is in voice recognition software and things formerly viewed as simply input systems for the handicapped (things like eye motion sensors). The more people who have access to these devices and therefore the internet and social world at large, the better.
In my survey, I listed a bunch of electronic devices that all sell for roughly $399 dollars. It fascinates me how wide the gamut is on products that all serve a similar role and yet have such a huge disparity in processing power. Yet the early results of my survey (which I just posted to a bunch of friends and had them link on their facebook page before starting to edit this into more than a bunch of links!) shows most people at least in my social world prefer sitting at a desktop. You can't exactly do a lot with a $399 desktop, especially if you're a gamer like myself. The latest and greatest video card from nVidia, the GeForce GTX 680, goes for $499 alone on newegg.com. Yet still the folks I associate with still prefer using good ol' keyboard and mouse for their computing needs. This would explain why there are so many people who buy a tablet computer, and immediately turn around to get a keyboard accessory.
Now to share the data from my survey:
| 1. Which form of Human Interface Device do you prefer using for general computer interface usage? | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| answered question | 82 | ||
| skipped question | 1 | ||
| Response Percent | Response Count | ||
| Mouse and Keyboard |  | 72.0% | 59 |
| Laptop-style Touchpad | | 12.2% | 10 |
| Analog Input (joystick or controller) | 0.0% | 0 | |
| Stylus-touchscreen (i.e.: PDAs, Nintendo DS) | | 1.2% | 1 |
| Touch Screens (i.e. Smartphones and Tablet Computers) | | 14.6% | 12 |
| 2. Which of the following devices do you own? (Check all that apply.) | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| answered question | 83 | ||
| skipped question | 0 | ||
| Response Percent | Response Count | ||
| Desktop PC or Mac | | 80.7% | 67 |
| Laptop PC or Mac | | 74.7% | 62 |
| Smart Phone | | 65.1% | 54 |
| Tablet computer | | 27.7% | 23 |
| Current-Generation video game console (Xbox 360, PlayStation 3 only) | | 42.2% | 35 |
3. Which of the following would you prefer to own? | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| answered question | 82 | ||
| skipped question | 1 | ||
| Response Percent | Response Count | ||
| 64 GB iPhone 4s | | 31.7% | 26 |
| Samsung Galaxy Note | | 6.1% | 5 |
| 16 GB iPad 2 (wi-fi) | | 19.5% | 16 |
| 32 GB Samsung Galaxy Tab 10.1 | | 3.7% | 3 |
| A $399 Desktop or Laptop PC of your design | | 30.5% | 25 |
| X-Box 360 with Kinect | | 3.7% | 3 |
| Playstation 3 with PSMove | | 4.9% | 4 |
If there is any one thing I want people to come away with is that there are devices out there tailored to suit your specific needs. With the prevalence of the current generation of technology, if you are dissatisfied with the input required to use it, go find something which you enjoy using.
------------
Links to back up my data and the key figures I retrieved from them, in no particular order:
http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2012/03/galaxy-note-sales-so-far/
Key figures: 2 million devices sold in Europe, on pace to sell 10 million worldwide in 2012.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/benzingainsights/2011/10/17/what-do-the-iphone-4s-sales-figures-tell-us-about-consumers/
4 million units sold opening week, boasted 1 million pre-sales.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/anthonykosner/2012/03/22/will-the-iphone-5-be-super-sized-what-a-bigger-screen-means-for-data-usage/
Hypothetical: Larger screens = more data usage = ???
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Firstmouseunderside.jpg
History of the Mouse (1962)
http://inventors.about.com/od/computerperipherals/a/computer_keyboa.htm
Patent of typewriters: 1868
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)